The Dangerous Kaos Experience

" Something really awful tends to happen when we lose someone we love—especially if the death itself didn't play out exactly the way that we might have imagined. For a period of time, all we can think about is the end, about the death itself, about how the final weeks or days or moments that maybe didn't exactly go how we had hoped.There's a period of grieving. And shock. And sorrow. But over time, if we are lucky, we start to focus again on what really actually mattered: That person's life. All the moments and experiences that made us love them so very much in the first place. You know, what really actually mattered. The living."

                                                       - Kristin Dos Santos

    
           So... today was really shitty. 

          Daniel is out of town, and I haven;t really heard from him all day.. actually, lately it feels like he's pulling away or losing interest in our relationship... Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe it's me losing interest.. I don't know. Either way, I thought he would've saw my Facebook status and saw that I was having a shitty day.. but he's too busy having fun experiencing new things (traveling by plane, and traveling for business, and exploring the scenes of Florida) that he didn't find it necessary to check in with me... Hurts, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe he was giving me space. But I would've thought that he would read my status and recognize that something is wrong. Whatever...

         So, I'm trying to hold back my tears when I type this because It feels so lonely... No one understands where I am coming from... And it's worse at work. Today, my manager defended me against 3 Operations managers and then afterwards cam down on me pretty hard. It was very contradicting because it felt like he was mad he went toe to toe with his good friend. But at the same time both me and his manager friend are at fault?? Makes no sense.. Anyway.. 

         When I am at work, I get this constant judgement and extreme feeling that no one has too much faith in what I do, nor does anyone know what I do really. No one really respects me and my role there because I am not my manager with 4 years of experience behind me. I am constantly compared to him on a regular. Not only that but two of the Operations managers out of the three make me feel like I'm not doing my job, and that my role is insignificant. They make me feel like I have no really value. I bust my ass everyday trying to make things go smoothly at this company. But everyday I'm constantly compared and made seem like I'm not good enough or comparable enough to do my job and beyond. They watch emails to see if I responded, they also stick around to see if they can "help", etc. 

         The Operations manager thought I was throwing him under the bus to the Director, but I wasn't. In fact, all I was asking was for him to debrief me on the situation he had at hand before it gets out of hand again like before. My manager doesn't know that the Operations manager was getting way more upset than he needed to be because he HATES me. He hates me because he feels like I am the reason he is unsuccessful of solidifying a monogamous relationship with my best friend. But guess what, I tried to help him not FUCK IT UP like he's doing now. So when she leaves his ass and the company, best believe I will be happy to see their faces drop so low to the floor in hopelessness. I try my hardest not to talk to anyone or get too close to certain people in the office because no one understands me except maybe a few.... 

        I wanted to tell Daniel all of this an more in detail, but he never checked-in.... He's off living his life, and forgot all about me... I just don't matter anywhere... No one understands me... I have no purpose really... I think I may move out sooner than later from this apartment... I feel like I'm better off alone... and honestly, I feel like no one I have NO ONE who gets me or knows what I like or is open to the same things I'm open to anymore... sometimes suicide is a better solution than roughing it by myself on earth... Daniel is going to come back and not know what is going on with me... And he's going to ask once or twice if I'm lucky and then give up. No one finds me worth treating well or taking care of me.. no one finds me worth understanding... Even my own best friend was 65%  backing up the same guy she is about to dump for her ex. 

         One day, I know I will commit suicide. I will not expect anyone to come to my funeral. I will not expect anyone to understand why I did it or what for. But I think that that is when I will be at peace with solitude.... 

         Most days I hate my life, and what it has become....