Forever Poor and Depressed
This morning I wanted to commit suicide.
I had made a very self-conscious decision after a variety or unfortunate events had occurred that I was content with leaving this world. I think me regretting it would be possible, but since I feel numb and excessively depressed I felt as if I may not be missing much…
Apart from the mold in my old apartment situation and the inability to get another job…, my brother accidently through away my stuff I had in a black trash bag because he thought it was trash…. I went to go dig it out this morning and then my brother came and helped me… I was so pissed and sad and depressed that I started to cry while finding it, and eventually he found it in the corner… I was yelling every few words because I couldn’t take the pain… Felt like I was losing everything. I was almost late for the job I excessively hate…
While on the road, I began to cry little by little… my brother had tried to call me and I was too broken to pick up. I couldn’t even do my hair this morning because it was so dry… but to make it all worse I forget my purse on the table at the apartment in the heat of everything so I have no money. I find it ironic because I got paid today and I was about to pay for my phone bill online, but I lost track of time and then left without it… I have no money for food and I’m starving… and I have no money on me which is bad because I saw my gas tank and it is so close to E I’m afraid that I may get stranded on the road after work…
I still haven’t heard back from the people I interviewed with this past Monday yet. They claim they need someone immediately… And I assume they’ve made their decision since it is Thursday and I haven’t heard anything yet… I can see why celebrity couples may have issues… They may hardly ever get to see each other, and when one’s career tanks and the other is steadily growing rapidly it can cause riffs… unless the one was never a celebrity, or they are highly supportive regardless, or they are content being a homemaker. I for one am not a fan of being dependent upon someone… I guess it would be nice to take a break from working and possibly get a higher degree and experience to go with it… Fantasy.
I’m getting afraid that I may not see Daniel often or at all really since he has a new position working form 9-5. My hours are never constant and soon my company will be reorganizing itself to for the needs for the business and I’m not sure what I will end up doing… I’m not sure if I will get laid off, or get less hours, or even get a morning shift at all… I can’t even get jobs that are beneath my degree level unless I omit it on my resume all together… So I guess letting the wheel of the car shift this morning was more of a happier time than the entire year has brought me… it gets worse as the year goes on… I dread to know how the rest of the year will turn out… I have these thoughts in my head about dying… and how… I’m pretty sure that if things don’t get better that my relationship and life will pummel into the ground ending tragically… Daniel says he will be with me through everything, but what happens when we can’t be a couple or be on the same page with hours or at least financially… feel like a poor street rat… so hungry hardly have any clothes…
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