You know, I never really get what I want from a relationship... most times never get close to the total package. I think that if my boyfriend saw me typing this or read this that he might be upset... 

        I feel like I handicap my boyfriends ALL THE TIME, and I make excuses for their inability to make me happy and be what I want them to be... 

         I was kind of pissed that my boyfriend, Daniel, was trying to bait me into getting him a burrito at Taco Bell last night, even though I JUST got home after work... And what's worse is that he was going to drive even though he doesn't have enough for gas to begin with. He didn't even ask me if I could get it for him... I feel like it's my fault though... I give in so easily and allow men to be spoiled brats. He said he was going to starve if he couldn't have anything else... I felt super bad, though I probably shouldn't since I worked really hard that day...

         I think it's true what they say... how you treat yourself in front of others is how people will treat you. I know I need to clean my car, room and bathroom more often, but at times I get so sad and tired it feels next to impossible... I felt like he was taking advantage of me... and what's worse is that when he finally gave in to wanting something else, he ended up making quite a mess wiping crumbs and stuff in his clothes that he was going to sleep with in my bed, and spilled crumbs on the floor. The icing on the cake was him not washing his hands before nor after eating!! It was pretty hard to watch and accept nonetheless... 

         He tells me that his job situation or money situation is temporary... but I feel like I'm talking to one my exes who make excuses for their actions that they could have avoided instead of procrastinating... And then he had the audacity to tell me to wait before we can go on a regular date... I thought that was sooo very unfair of him to say when I've been waiting for YEARS for a real guy to take care of me... a real guy to treat me the way I would like to be treated...

         I was hoping that he would try to show me appreciation for the things I do for him in the smallest measurement by at least coming to see ME at MY APARTMENT, but he always has an excuse with the fact that he doesn't have enough money to do so... And I must go over to his place if I want to see him... Of course I don't have to... nice to know.... But it's like if you can't by me anything and if you can't treat me right by taking me out on a date more often showing your appreciation that I am even with you (not too mention keeping the relationship alive), then you would think that the least you could do is COME OVER and spend time with me. And when I was at least hoping for a massage last night at least, he comes up with the same old excuse about how he doesn't know how and leaves it at that... My shoulders and back are tense, and I don't know if he's saying that because I have skin issues on my back and shoulders or what. But I felt like that was the least he could do for me... He tried to this morning and it was a SUPER fail... And it was mostly because he didn't even try! Who gives a massage with NO OIL or LOTION?! 

         Next week, or this weekend actually, I'm giving him gas money for the 5th time practically... And yeah I was taking him out on a date this Saturday, because I wanted to do something for him, but what about me... Last weekend I felt CONNED. He took me out to Star and Strikes for a date to bowl, eat, and do the arcade. But then he wanted to go to the movies also... and had me pay... I felt insulted and that the date was sort of ruined... I was not expecting for him to do that to me and I did not plan for that out of my budget... 

         All my boyfriends, except one, have taken advantage of me... I hate it... but there's not too much I can do when I am trying to make the relationship work... and they make ME feel GUILTY if I leave them for their inability and lack of real interest to make me happy. I am nothing but a SLAVE to my boyfriends and a SUGAR MAMA... and I guess that's mostly because I end up with either MAMA'S BOYS or LEECHES/MOOCHERS. I never get to be taken care of... all they can do is give me compliments because they KNOW that that's ALL they want and can give me (maybe ever).

        Things I've done for Daniel is so extensive, and things I try to do for Daniel is so over-the-top that I can't even explain how SUPPORTIVE I am... He feels that the fact that him staying with me is him not taking me for granted.... Instead of having an actual relationship, I feel like I am just a SLAVE to ALL my boyfriends that I've had from high school to now. If I try to use sex as a bargaining chip, they don't give a damn. Why? Because they will just result to porn; they WILL get what they want whether it's good or not for the relationship...

         I blame myself for accepting such behavior out of my boyfriends and making excuses for them. I can never just say NO, and make it known that I am WORTH A LOT MORE THAN WHAT THEY TREAT ME AS. I can never get that point across...