Memoir of 2016
This is my 2016 summation; the summation of all the limits I
pushed this year and all the limits I wish I didn’t want to push this year
coming to past. I’ll be breaking it up based upon events that happened this
year.
Event #1: Hamza/"Arkham". January 2016.
Him and I had come to a strange split where we were trying
to figure out what we wanted from each other. We had effectively stated we were
each other’s best friends, despite how we felt about each other. However, when
I asked him about expectations and adding me back on social media, he balked.
For the longest, I thought that I had did something wrong to him for him to
push me away. So, I kept trying to make “it” up to him. But the problem was… I
didn’t know what “it” was. There came a point in January where I quickly
demoted him, after an argument, to just basic “friend”. Not because I didn’t
want to meet his expectations, but because he didn’t want to meet mine any
longer. This set coarse an abusive “friendship” throughout the rest of the year
(that I will shed light on later on).
Event #2: Daniel’s Aunt’s Funeral. March 2016.
It was the first time I went to a funeral in an extremely
small town. It’s so far down South Georgia that you have to pull the sun up
(practically). Daniel’s aunt had passed away (on his father’s side). Practically
a third of the town was there at the church. And when going to the funeral, you
were bound to run into the typical black stereotypes and the “shades”. I was
dressed like I was from the city; light-skin femme fatale black skin-tight
dress with a big black purse (from H & M, a place they’ve never even heard
of), and pink heels to accent the dress. My hair was in a bun. All the men were
staring at me, because none of the women dressed like me, and the older women
were asking if I was cold so they could try and “cover me up”. And of course,
you have Daniel’s Mom showing me off and complimenting me to the crowd because
I’m the outcast of the church (in a positive way). Probably a little too sexy even for the
event, when looking at everyone else’s attire.
We went down Saturday and was supposed to go back that night,
but ended up going back Sunday. It kind of pissed me off because he didn’t keep
his word, and everyone was encouraging him to have us stay a night. In the end,
it was cool. I mean, he rarely get to see them, but then I also got to spend
time with his older brother (who’s 40 by the way lol), and more of his family.
Event #3: The Sundial. April 2016.
It’s one of the most expensive restaurants I’ve known; we
spent over $200 for the night. We ended up staying an hour while the entire restaurant
made a trip around the building; that’s part of its charm. However, if you’re
afraid of heights then this place may not be for you. Especially, when just
taking the elevator up 17 flights. The food was in good portions, and so good
and fresh. It’s incredibly high profile, and for good reason. We went to
celebrate 3 years of being together. (Yes, you can do that even in an open
relationship). I guess I should clarify that I do have an open relationship,
but it works for us. We have our do’s and don’ts/ boundaries for a few things,
but every relationship is different and works depending on each person’s needs
and wants. We are incredibly unorthodox, and I think that intimidates a lot of
people, ha.
Event #4: Japan Part Deux (with Onish and John). May 2016.
At this point, I was excited and a little frightened traveling
with Onish and John. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust them; it was because I
wasn’t sure if they wanted me along for the ride or not. They were closer to
each other than I, but it seemed that they weren’t opposed to me going anyway.
I hadn’t really gotten to spend much time with them outside of work anyway. I
was part nervous part excited.
As I said earlier I would expound more on the situation
between Hamza and I. By May, we were on awkward terms. I tried to text him
saying I was trying to see him one more time before I left the country. I told
him it was because I was going to miss him and that well… who knows if I would’ve
made it back alive again. His only response was, “Have a safe flight.” Gee,
thanks.
While Onish, John, and I were overseas, we stayed in an Air
BnB for the first time. It was super cool. I enjoyed staying with them so much.
I wish it had never ended. I was able to escape from everything that I was
feeling and going through to spend time with good friends. It almost made me
cry (positively). We all looked out for each other, and we had a great time seeing
the sites. I had asked Hamza before I left what he wanted me to bring back for
him, and he said random Japanese candy. While I was in Japan, I saw this candy
store that handmade their candy, and I just KNEW he’d fall in love with it. I was so
excited and I wanted to get it for him so badly.
We also went to the infamous Evangelion store (where I
became intrigued to finally watch the anime), we got parfaits, went to the Gundahm
Café, the Final Fantasy Café, the huge garden, Akihabra, Harjuku, Tokyo Square,
etc. I took plenty of pictures and made a video to it with the soothing music
similar to that of Nujabes on my Facebook page. It took me quite some time to
condense my hundreds of pictures and videos into a 30 minute montage of Japan.
When I finally came home, I gave everyone in my office and
my close friends gifts from Japan. I was elated to give Hamza his gift, but
when I did he got bent out of shape about it. He got upset asking me how much
it cost and how much he owed me. It was a gift… but it appeared he didn’t take
it as such. He went as far as googling how much it MIGHT be on fucking Amazon.
I wrote him a postcard telling him to tell me how it tastes, but he never did.
Everyone around him was trying to get him to chill out and by the very least
say “thank you” and accept the gift. But he wasn’t having it.
I don’t regret traveling across the globe to get him that
jar of candy; I just wish he knew why I did it, and could appreciate the effort
and time I took to find him the perfect gift in Japan… It was a very
bittersweet time. I was jet-lagged for an entire day and slept the whole day on
that Sunday.
Event #5: “The Birthday Bash”. June 2016.
My Mom decided she wanted to be a little spontaneous and get
in on the major Atlanta phenomena called, “The Birthday Bash”. She was one of
the major sponsors for the event, and was able to acquire 6 tickets: two for
her students, one for me, one for Chris, one for Daniel, and one for herself.
She was dressed kind of out of place, and I was trying to
remain as in between her somewhat conservative look and those who were young
and local (to put lightly). It kind of felt like we took my grandmother to this
event, and (rest her soul) she would’ve been more fun to have around. (My
grandmother was a very unique one to say the least, ha!)
It was great to see black people come together predominately
to enjoy good music and a good time without violence. I feel like I would’ve drank alcohol and
gotten a little more loose had my mother not been there. I tried trying to show
her a good time. I knew Chris and Daniel already felt like they couldn’t really
be themselves fully around her. I felt the same way too, but I was trying to
help her have as much a good time as I could. I bought her food and alcohol and
stayed by her side.
It wasn’t a bad time overall. Especially, since we didn’t fight.
Thank goodness haha.. but also there was no violence. It was defiantly a BRAND
NEW experience. For me, that was pushing the limit on my fun meter with my
mother; very hard to do when she’s known for being a control freak.
Event #6: My birthday (in Orlando), Pokemon Go, and Jimmy.
July 2016.
We had interns at my company that I had the pleasure of
introducing them to our departments and culture, haha. They typically call me “the
face” of the company. Nice to know where I stand. But in any case, one of the
interns, that I seemed to have befriended, made me a birthday cake before she
left the company. It was oh so good <3. I miss her sometimes. She watched
anime and played games; I rare combo to have in a woman for sure (apart from me
that is, haha).
I should back up a bit. I met Jimmy, who started with
another department a month earlier, and him and I also hit it off. On my early
birthday celebration day, Jimmy picked me up and sung me around lmao! It was
great because at the time I thought Hamza was getting jealous. Another friend
there had bought me a birthday lunch. It was awesome; I loved it all. Hamza
never wished my happy birthday, for the second year in a row, on my early
birthday celebration day or the actual day. The sad part is I ALWAYS tell him
happy birthday. He always tells everyone else Happy Birthday in person or on
Facebook. Not me. I can only assume he hates me, I suppose. (Otherwise, why
would you treat me like shit ever since you pushed me away a year ago.)
This was also the month that Pokemon Go made its HUGE debut.
And yes, me and most of my friends were getting down and dirty tracking down Pokemon
to collect around the metro Atlanta area! It was HUGE. I mean people were
outside my job area where the major hot spots resided and CAMPED WAITING. I
swear to you. I’ve never seen such a phenomena. So, on my way to Orlando,
Florida to celebrate my actual birthday at Orlando Studios with Daniel lol, I
made sure to hit up ALL TH POKESTOPS AND ALL THE GYMS!! I was making sure I was
going to take over. It was quite a trip! It was only for the weekend, but it
was well worth it!
Event #7: Mom’s Neck Surgery. August 2016.
Mom was going in for
Neck surgery, and I thought at first that she just wanted me to drop her off.
But I was oh so wrong… She thought I was going to drop her off to leave her
there to die. But I didn’t have any days left to just “take off”. But I was
going to go back to the hospital later that day to see about her anyway. I
ended up making a bargain with my boss-friend so I could work from home to make
up the hours and also stay by her side when she needed something. When I say
Daniel and I catered to her every whim, we did. We were by her side the most.
But she still yearned for her favorite, my brother, and her brother who both
were barely around.
Daniel and I came over almost every day to help relief my
brother and my other uncle (that lives with her). We got everyone food and
spent the night at one point. She was in agonizing pain. My breaking point was
when she claimed I could not take care of her the night before I came down to
spend the night and take care of her, and that apparently only my uncle (that
lives with her) and my brother could. To put this into perspective of why this
was so insulting, consider the following: My mother, brother, and uncle (that
lives with her), and myself all took care of this uncle and my grandmother for
over 12 years from taking them to their doctor appointments (this uncle is
schizophrenic), picking up their weekly prescriptions, and taking groceries
over for them EVERY Sunday. 3 years ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with
ovarian cancer, which we found out she was living with for over a year. It had
spread to the rest of her body, and by February she had passed away at a
hospice. Now, given my 12 years (or even more) of service to my relatives, how
the fuck could I NOT take care of my Mother at one of her darkest hours? That’s
a rhetorical question; I CAN take care of her.
I was very insulted, and had to separate myself from her, my
brother, and my uncles. You don’t insult the very core of me, and expect me to
continue the same care I provided. Not to mention she kept calling and yearning
for my brother like I wasn’t even there. Not cool. We made up eventually, but hopefully,
she understands how much that hurt me.
Event #8: Kevin 2.0’s Fight and Brussels. September 2016.
At some point, Kevin and I got into it at work because we
were under quite a lot of pressure equally. I blew up at him and his brother
and then also a project manager (that is a snake). I blew up at Kevin because it
seemed like he wasn’t going to help me from a friend’s point of view to find
something that belonged to the former company he was with (that we acquired).
It was evidence, basically. I blew up at the project manager, because he wouldn’t
stop making harsh jokes about Hamza and I being split and old “work wife and
work husband”. I didn’t want to blow up at either one (even if people say the
project manager deserved it). HR could’ve been involved, but we all decided it
was unwarranted. Even with me cursing and making a fool of myself, trying to
hold back the tears that still ran down my face. Everyone was staring at me in
my shame.
My boss-friend helped me do the hardest thing for me to do:
reconcile. I tossed the idea over and over till I realized that it wasn’t what
I said that was upsetting, it was the way I took the approach. I realized my
part in this and drove with my boss-friend to dollar tree to get a card and a
box of Kevin’s favorites: butterfingers. My boss-friend was proud of me for
taking apart the situation and apologizing for my actions and taking the first
step. Growth was a common thing for me this year, and I grew more under the
guidance and leadership of my boss-friend. I’d mention his name, but I don’t
think he’d want to be memorialized in my blog, haha.
At some point, I had to fly to Brussels, Belgium for work to
deliver sensitive information. It was the most fast-paced trip of my life! I
met this cool old woman on the plane with me named Irene that toasted up with
me. It was pretty chill. And naturally the male, older, British, flight
attendant wanted to induct me to the mile high club. Whoa. I grew a lot while I
was over there as well. It was pretty cold. I thought about a lot. I visited
the Grand Palace and a few other interesting places. I took tons of pictures.
The managing director was impressed with my ability to go abroad to the job
when no one else was willing to. Originally, I was going to be over there for a
day to deliver the information, but it turned into a weekend getaway because it
was cheaper. Plus, I caught Mr. Mime; the European region locked Pokemon in
Pokemon GO!! :D
Event #9: Hamza and I split brutally and AfroPunk. October
2016.
I attended AWA again this year, but with a wider entourage. Roommate
Kevin and I were getting a head start together on Friday, while Daniel stayed
at home lazy as ever. Saturday was the craziest ever. I saw John, Onish, Camille,
Alex, etc. (I even saw that mean guy that never apologized to me but I’d like
to reconcile with: Jose). It was the picture saw around the world in my Alice
in Wonderland dress and bow in my hair. I took a picture with Onish that seemed
to have sent shockwaves around the world on social media. So much that roommate
Kevin spoke Hamza into existence at AWA. I was shocked and appalled that he was
even THERE. He came to hang out with Onish and John. I say this because he didn’t
want to associate with me and the rest of my crew. Though every time Daniel saw
Hamza, he said hello cheerfully and Hamza responded back. At one point, Daniel
was playing wingman trying to get Hamza and I to talk and run into each other
in the rave. All of it failed. Hamza and I never talked and it created friction
on Monday.
On Saturday night I cried because I was really hoping that
that night was going to be Hamza and my night to get closer and finally
reconcile properly, but alas he just ignored me the ENTIRE NIGHT. He didn’t
even buy a pass to the event. I asked him Monday what he did there and why he
was there. All he could say was that he was walking around all night, and that
he didn’t know what to tell me. Everyone called bullshit; that he came there to
see me, but didn’t do anything nor say anything because he was a coward. I was
hoping he did com there for me… but I’ll never know the truth.
When I told Hamza what I could offer him and what level in
my life I would like to place him at, he declined it and told me to stop. Well…
I wasn’t the one throwing out hot and cold signals all year… in any case. I
told Hamza that I couldn’t do it anymore, this thing between us we can’t get it
right. I told him I didn’t think anything would change between us and that we
should never talk again. All he could say was ok. Afterwards, he started
bullying me and then people stepped in to draw a line. We didn’t talk after
that except rare occasions about work in December. It was so very heartbreaking…
it still is. I had hoped we’d reconcile, but there’s nothing I can do; it’s up
to him to come forward and tell me what he wants and reconcile. I can’t keep
reaching out and getting mistreated and abused.
AfroPunk happened. It was pretty cool to experience the
revolution. I’m definitely going next year again. Despite how small the venue
was, it was perfect for what it was trying to do. I absolutely loved it. I
finally got to see Tyler, the creator in person and earl the sweatshirt. Some
friends showed up unexpectedly. It was too cool.
Event #10: In the End. December 2016.
I started training our new edition to the team, and we hit
it off pretty well. After talking to her and going over everything, I realized
that I need to get it together and just end this year right. Hamza and I have
had turmoil, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin my brand new year. If he doesn’t
want to reconcile then that’s on him. But what I can do is be the bigger
person, at least for myself. And that’s exactly what I did. My boss-friend let
me go home early, but before I left I went over to Hamza and told him
face-to-face, “I hope you have a good holiday and that it’s all you ever wanted
it to be”. I was surprised he took off
his headphones to ask me “What?” so annoyed. But after that, I walked away and
went home. I felt like I unlocked a trophy. I felt like I was the bigger
person. It was SO HARD.
But, whether or not it helps us reconcile or not, I wasn’t
going into the New Year a coward, a failure, nor shackled to this pain any
longer. I’m starting the brand new year with a BANG! ;)
Cheers. Here’s hoping next year is filled with more
excitement, friendships, growth, and wisdom.
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