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Becoming 30 - A 3 decade Mini Memoir
Getting Older
Turning a year older for women has always been incredibly daunting. It's so discouraging that people have come up with terms to make it more fun and almost infantile to encourage youthful perspectives. I'm here to debunk that, and to let you know it's OK to grow older. Sure, staying youthful looking is every woman's aim, but to throw away all the wisdom and knowledge that came with your age is a travesty. You'll notice why when you take a look back on your previous years and ask yourself, "What have I accomplished this year, and what did I accomplish in previous years?" Being young at heart, and acting like a child are two different things; let's prevent the latter shall we?
Books That are Fun, Encouraging, and Powerful
To begin this "Mini Memoir", I'd like to share some books I've read and my personal reviews on them. If you'd like to follow my goodreads account and see which books I'm reading, you can use my name "Kristine Anderson" to look me up.- "The Echo Below" - By: Kristine Anderson (me): This is the first book I've actually been able to finish writing. It's a collection of poems, statements, and short stories about love, life, disappointments, and moving on. I'm hoping to write another book soon. I used Blurb.com to help me bring this to life. I'm proud of this accomplishment, as I set out 17 years ago to write and publish a book of some kind. One message I can say here is, "Chase your dreams!
"True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart" - By: Thich Nhat Hanh: I originally pick this book up from a spiritual shop (it had everything you could think of in it from Witchcraft, Christianity, Buddhism, crystals, music, books, EVERYTHING. This is my boyfriend and I's little secret place). This book embodies the real true meaning of true love. I've had quite a lot of long relationships, with my most recent hitting 5 years in April, and while not all were good, some of them I have been able to make friends out of it. This book explains in its entirety the true meaning of love whether it is platonic or romantic, and how to treat people you do love and care about. It's a short book, (quite literally in size and pages) so you won't feel a burning anxiety of a medium size 200 page book. Put simply (from the author), "Love might not be what we think it is. We all seek the happiness that comes from loving and being loved, yet we often find ourselves dissatisfied in our relationships and unable to grasp the cause."- "The 8 Laws of Corporate America: The laws to moving through complicated situations and coming out on top." - By: Robert Greene: Robert is one of my favorite authors who has written some very high profile and powerful books. They're so powerful that brick and mortar stores don't sell them on shelves, but must be asked for behind the counter. When you read his work, you'll understand why. Powerful leaders and celebrities have made a lot of his work their bible. This book I read recently, but had already been doing some of these laws myself. I think what I gained really from this book was why it was important the things I was already doing. In short, Corporate is high school all over again; if you didn't make it then, you have a second shot now. This I would highly recommended to those who are starting out to navigate the Corporate world.
- "Milk and Honey" - By: Rupi Kaur: I borrowed this book from a really good friend of mine (who I miss dearly: Nidhi). She read my book, and recommended this book to me. It did very much remind me of my book, and it felt good to read another's perspective on the same things I was or had gone through. This is a powerful book for women (especially of color), and a lesson for men to pick up. Put shortly (from author), "Milk and Honey is a collection of poetry and prose about survival. About the experience of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity." I'm cheating a little bit by also adding her second book, "The Sun and Her Flowers". I love her drawings, too by the way.
- "Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened" - By: Allie Brosh: If you ever wondered what my life, especially dealing with depression, was like from my eyes, most of this book covers it LOL. I LOVE this book so much. I love the stories, the pictures, the way it was setup. This book is SO FUNNY. I've also linked the "Depression Part Two" story for you to get a snippet of how the book is and also how depression is for me. If you know me, you almost thought I co-wrote this book LOL.
- "Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism" - By: Fumio Sasaki, Eriko Sugita (Translator): Yes, I couldn't make it down the list without throwing in a Japanese book. I don't remember how I found it, though (perhaps surfing Tumblr, they have some good shit out there). Now to put in perspective how impactful this book is (I'm still reading it, haha), I was a heavy hoarder. This was a generational thing as almost everyone on my Mom's side of the family does this, and it started with my grandmother (that I know of). Not only could we not let things go, but we couldn't let issues and problems go. It became and endless toxic cycle. This book, however, has provided am easier approach to literally say goodbye to things I may not need or want anymore. Some was due to guilt as they were gifts from friends, family, and the dead. But when my boyfriend and I moved from our apartment to a townhome, I wanted to minimize the amount of stuff to move, and also "move on" from painful things in the past. When I'm done, I'm sending this down to my mother, haha. Hopefully, she doesn't put it the side and hoard it too.
Family Values and Lessons
Let me start out and say that I just learned the phrase "blood is thicker than water" is actually NOT accurate, and actually it is phrased (from the bible that another close friend of mine, Mary, told me the other day), "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” This actually means that blood shed in battle bonds soldiers more strongly than simple genetics. Although we commonly use it to suggest the strength of family ties, it doesn’t refer to family at all. (definition credit from Thought Catalog author Nico Lang; this website was also ironically a solid recommendation from the same close friend, so please check out its goodies here).
You may be wondering why is this so earth shattering (or at least it was for me). I grew up in a religious and divorced household (which I've chosen not to adopt Christianity as my faith, but as one of many guides from those who teach positive humanitarian concepts). Obviously, it wasn't very "fun", as my parents would ALWAYS bicker and fight. They taught me to lie at the ripe age of 5, so the other parent didn't get "penalty points" in court (which they went almost twice or more a year for nearly 20 years). My brother was caught in the middle too, but I tried to shelter him some and guide him as a big sister can.
Fast- forward a bit to college where the pot boiled over. My parents always would say, "you'll see what I mean about them when you get older". And sure enough, I surely did, but it wasn't in favor of either one of them. I learned that they are both selfish people, and if you ask both of them if they wanted kids they piped the word "no" out with a side of guilt saying it was the other partner's idea. Huh? Talk about ouch. Mom couldn't wait for us to grow up and leave (she said this almost regularly until she had cancer twice and we helped take care of our ageing grandmother and schizophrenic uncle majority of our lives). Dad couldn't wait for us to grow up, so he could stop the checks going to Mom and asking "where's the money?!" on a regular basis. He didn't want us to grow up, because of another selfish reason: he was too "busy" with his life to see us more than every other weekend (but that was only if his liquored girlfriend wasn't keeping him "hostage" in their bedrooms). He wanted to make us infantile forever, because he wasn't very active in our lives. Who cares about two birthdays and two of everything else if no one is happy.
For me, I've always tried to live by "the golden rule": Treat others the way you want to be treated. I typically only bite back if someone starts it, otherwise I have no incentive being mean, nasty, and negative towards someone. I especially don't do it to "balance" out a positive conversation or relationship (that's childish and reflects low self-esteem issues). As my favorite grandmother (Jean Warren), would always say, "you catch more flies with honey", and I have made a lot of friends and networked similarly in the Corporate world this way. Funny, I think she was always seeing my mother's behavior as something she didn't want me to become. My mother is strong and solid woman who has accomplished a lot, and overcame a ton of adversity. She is a shining light for feminism and taught me that "no man is an island". However, she did get violent and really mean to not only her kids, but also to my ageing grandmother. And as a kid to adulthood, I always stayed by my grandmother's side to make sure she was ok. Whenever Mom would fight and yell at her, while she was slamming the door I was by my grandmother's side making sure she was ok. She was moreso a mother to me (I used to confuse her for Mom as a kid), but also she was my first true best friend. I tear up as I write this, haha. She passed 5 years ago.
Come to present day, my mother has alienated me from her side of the family from last year in September. This came from when she was bad-mouthing me to my boyfriend, and not reprimanding my brother for his violent actions taken against me on her driveway. He choked me in mid-air using his other arm to squeeze my spine and keep me elevated. They both don't talk to me unless "necessary". Apart from the divorce drama, there was also my mother and brother drama. She has always and will always favor Chris. He's the bad boy type who doesn't care about anyone but himself (thanks parents - he's a spitting image of you both), but yet she still holds out hope that he'll be a doting and loving son like my boyfriend tries to be to her. She would constantly become belligerent and violent towards me the most, and slap his wrist and be lighter on him. You may say that's typical mother daughter bullshit, but it's not. My mother was lonely and most times mother's try to make the sons sub for absent husbands or boyfriends. Very unhealthy, and very real. My brother does have mommy issues, and it's clear as day my Mom has daddy issues. Sparingly, I talk to dad these days, as we lost a few family members late last year and early this year. He never built a solid foundation for my brother and I to have with him, so the interaction is nonetheless awkward. (He's also a mama's boy by the way, and his wife (or women) will always come first before his kids.)
Life Lesson: To tie in the first statement, I've been told from birth that "blood was thicker than water". However, after enduring these things and getting hardly any of the loyalty I gave to them given back to me, I find the actual statement's origin to have more weight behind it. I have more friends that meet the family tree perspective than my actual family. It takes a village to raise a child, which I help try to do with my friends' kids. Blood should never treat you this way, but you don't owe them anything. You were brought into this world by your parents, but you should NEVER feel obligated to stay by their side if they stab yours. These are family values that need to stop being circulated, as it creates toxic relationships with friends, co workers, and just people in general. My family has used the bible as a fear tactic to put into place that no matter how bad they treat you, you most honor me and take care of them. WRONG.
Friends Come and Go, But True Few Friends are for a Lifetime
I have on Facebook 267 friends. Some people have well over the thousands for whatever reason, and it's not even a fan page. It's just a collection of how many people, in my humble opinion, they have met and "conquested" to show as a trophy. But the sad part is that hardly any of them are happy for the person, and hardly any of them are actually interacting with the person. What's even more disheartening is that the person may have forgotten where they met these people or that they are even connected! When I see a friend I haven't seen much activity from (liking or commenting on my stuff too), AND they have a trophy case of over a 1,000 "friends", I quickly question my relation with them. I'm not their groupie, and I'm not a face in the crowd. Usually, if there isn't much history between us (few years of interaction and physically doing stuff), I delete them.
Now, my count has had its ups and downs, especially after the South Korea incident (you can read if you like; I've linked it). But it has also had its ups and downs because I realized after the incident with my mother and brother that I don't need to have toxic people in my life. If they want to include themselves in my life, there are steps that must be taken to get to that level of friendship (linked as well). My loyalty doesn't come cheap. Some people I had deleted recently were from work after the South Korea incident, but it made way for new and more positive people to come in. The deleted ones still came around my desk like everything was ok, but I thought they had gotten the hint that we weren't friends anymore. They never apologize, and in fact, one of them incited war by telling me I'd die soon anyway right after I had just recently laid my grandfather to rest. Despite whether that was a joke or not in his eyes was besides the point; you just don't tell people that. You also don't throw candy at people constantly hoping they catch it. (Once the same person would throw candy at me, and i didn't bother catch it sometimes. It was a law I read in the corporate book about it, but I was again enforcing the law before I knew it was one. I took it at the time that if someone walked in he'd look like the bad guy for throwing candy at me, and not me. It's high school again, folks.)
People have asked jokingly, "hey, what are friends for?" And I think I came up with a great way to identify what friends really actually are for. They're for support, advice, help, and doing "the things" with. You should never feel uncomfortable hanging out or talking to your friends. Never. If you do, you need to ask yourself what are you getting out the relationship that benefits you. Now, some people have connections that they gathered via networking. These connections can also be friends, but if you haven't asked yourself what the trade off is where you both benefit as friends, then you're not friends. As a great mentor (and hopefully good friend still, I say this because I had a falling out with his girlfriend), he says every relationship should be/is transactional. What he meant by this is, you trade equally with someone what they trade with you. If they stop trading with you, then you should stop trading with them. I think I've had issues with that in the past as I have abandonment issues, but I've since been able to try and weigh my options better when it comes to relationships. An example of transactional is, if Mom needs help with her yard, she will offer to cook a hearty dinner/lunch to feed her children and friends that come to help. At that point, we can choose to accept this as an equal trade or reject helping due to the offer being too low. (We always said yes, but that was based off of loyalty mainly, haha.) After a while, we get busy with life and doing her yard may be better done by someone who is being paid, as this would be their transaction. (She is very frugal, so making dinner/lunch was always something she would default to as she wanted to reward us knowing we'd be hungry anyway.) In this case, if we paid for her yard to be done, we'd expect something be traded in return. If she can't and also acts incredibly entitled (especially knowing that you can't really even afford helping her like that), you would stop trading as you are doing more harm to yourself. This method can be and should be used with everyone you interact with (family, friends, relationships, co-workers, etc). Even in romantic relationships you should encourage a transactional relationship. Otherwise, if you don't weigh the transactions, someone will be unhappy and feel as though they do everything for nothing. They may also feel as though they aren't being provided the same level of trade in return they would like to make. This is why people tend to cheat by the way. It is work to maintain positive relationships, so choose wisely.
Life Lesson: Always balance your relationships with people predominantly through transactions. Ask yourself, what can we do for each other that would make us friends. It can be small, like interactions regularly ever now and then on social media (especially if they are far away or have kids), or it can be large like always seeing each other for dinner at 8 PM on Saturday. Whatever transactions you both agree on, make sure you both are on the same page. Remember that friends are their for support, advice, help, and doing "the things" with. You should never feel uncomfortable hanging out or talking to your friends. Never. If you do, you need to ask yourself what are you getting out the relationship that benefits you. Bonus: Dump friends or relationships with people who are jealous of you; you're asking for trouble. (And don't be friends with people you are jealous of).
Navigating the Corporate World and How to Move Up In It
When I first started at my current company, I believe I was 25. I had gotten a lot of practice on having good work ethics and habits as I came from a Jamaican household. She doesn't play about education nor about holding yourself at a high esteem. My mother's side instilled self-worth into my brother and I the most. (It also had to do with the fact that her side was riddled with engineers and teachers, so she'd always say, "be a value to your nation and get an education." My dad's side is American, and while they do have teachers in their family tree, the attitude can be very entitled with only the outcasts working the hardest to prove themselves.)
I was first hired as a Workflow Coordinator. I initially went to school for a B.A. in Communication and Media Studies, so it was really nice to put my degree into some form of practice. The field is related to computer science, which was a plus for me because I wanted to be in that field. One thing to mention here is whenever you go to college to get a degree in anything lower than a Master's, it is rare that you will enter the field you studied to work in. Most cases, you must follow-up with a Master's degree or medical school to be able to get into your specific field. This is coming from my mother, who is a Director of a college campus (and also from my personal experience). I initially was trying super hard to work for Turner Broadcasting, and get into the Marketing and Advertising field, but I had absolutely no luck. Even despite the few internships I did. Degrees are best used to show that you can learn at an elevated level. Also, fun tidbit, when jobs do background checks, they don't check to see if you really got the degree you proudly put on your resume. I'm not saying lie about your degree; I'm saying if you have to change your degree on your resume to say B.S. in Computer Science vs B.S. in Game Development, I'd do it in a heartbeat (they are very similar by the way).
To my chagrin, I got the job because my old, cruel, and sexist boss liked the confidence I exuded. It originally was supposed to be him I was having the interview with, but he turned into a panel of guys interviewing me from different departments. They did ask me questions about my current job at the time at the airport as a Foreign Currency Consultant, but I didn't think they were going to take me. I was very cheerful and polite and wore a push-up bra to provide more sex appeal. I commented on items I could relate about like how my friend now from the panel was wearing a pebble smart watch. I interviewed well from my understanding (well I was hired, duh), but I never got the reason behind why until this year. Confidence. I exuded confidence to do the job. After applying for a year to desperately get out of the airport, and being denied offers after interviewing, it was my confidence that got me in here.
Fast-forward a bit into 1 year and 5 months, I had acquired a lot of friends, a few enemies, and a ton of connections from both sides of the office floor and the second floor my company owned. Some of these were people I didn't technically work with because they were in accounting, for example. My position had allowed for me to freely connect with people as that was my job; I associated with Project Managers, Directors, Operations Managers, Operations Technicians and Analysts, and sometimes even IT regularly. I would be part of calls and meetings, and being new to all of this had made me tongue-tied. I had got transferred under the directive of the Workflow Manager (which should have been the case in the first place). I asked him to teach me everything. Everything in Operations and how they did their work, and everything in Project Management and what they communicated to clients. The first thing he and other said was, "why? that's not your job". Never limit your knowledge bank. If you can learn what others do, open yourself up to it. You never know when it might save your ass. It definitely saved mine. My Manager was going to move on and be a Project Manager, and was grooming me to take his position and become promoted. But my previous Manager, which was actually the Director of Operations at the time, did away with the position and the department once he transitioned. I was left destroyed, and hurt by how he shot my chance for growth in the dirt. He tried to weld me into the Operations team, as I did do some Operational tasks like shipping, but I said no. They saw use for me, so they didn't lay me off; they saw talent and confidence I exuded.
Eventually, they saw a need for the department again, but instead of promoting me to the Workflow Manager position I was gunning to have (again), they gave it to a guy who had been a tech for 10 years and didn't want to work night shift. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I started as 2-10 when I got on (later, I was sanctioned to 3-11 due to a mishap with a tech's work request that I overlooked). One mistake and that hateful Director shifted my time later on so it would never happen again. I only took the job at the offered time slot to do the grunt work, and prove myself and get out the airport. That's what you do when you want to show them you want the job; you do what it takes, and you say yes until you get where you want to be. I had been 12-8 briefly when the department was dismantled doing shipping and writing documentation for Operations. But once he saw a need for the department, and put the 10-year tech guy in a manager position, and I was placed back at night shift. I asked the Director where he saw my career path after being jaded for the Manager position twice and legit told me, "I'll let you know when you've hit the ceiling". Excuse me?! He also had serious nepotism with projects because his wife worked their as a Senior Project Manager. Her projects were also number one. Always. She also hated me because I was a female employee working underneath his directive. She was afraid that I'd steal him away because she met him at work, but I was no where interested.
I kept my head up as much as I could, and the Director of Operations hated me to the point he was trying was to get me to go underhandedly. There were times I tried to go to HR because of him (It didn't work). Times were not only tough because of my hateful boss, but a friend I had there was stirring a pot of whispers behind my back, getting people to talk negatively about me. She came to me to tell me people were talking negatively about me behind my back, and the first thing I asked was, "and what are you saying or doing behind mine?" It was a fair question as she felt the need to tell me, but she came off claiming to be playing devil's advocate "for her to get more juice". False. I never entertained it, and smiled in the faces of those who were pointed out to be perpetrators. I did I even better job than before, and worked even harder and better than they would. (Karma did eventually get them all by the way). Whenever you have problems like that, ignore them and keep doing a GREAT job, not a good job, but a GREAT job. Jobs care more about what you do first. And yes, there are politics involved, but the small fry that were whispering behind my back washed out because they were focused on the wrong thing. Even the big fry, my Director for example, got washed out because he made a fool of himself in a meeting trying to get people to vote me off the island, and he got written up. So you see, just focus on yourself and show them your above the nonsensical bullshit they try to drag you into. There will ALWAYS be drama; it's high school again, remember? Your buttons will be pushed, and people will get jealous and try to pull you down. However, you need to not allow them to come in the way of your future.
2 years ago, I helped form a department that I was originally the senior technician of. And then months ago I became officially promoted to Tier 3 technician and a Team Lead. And now, I am vetted for the Supervisor position by the new Senior Manager and Director with the new company merger that happened recently. The moment is bitter sweet as I'm getting a possible promotion (it's not in writing yet; ALWAYS get things in writing; cover your ass) and I'm replacing my mentor (and hopefully still friend) in this new leadership role. We had a different issue (as I had mentioned earlier about a falling out with his girlfriend) that may take a toll on our friendship, but with me replacing him, it makes it more complicated. He has always been there for me and I for him. In this part I can only say that you should cherish the people who you truly have in your corner, and network like a mother fucker. It was my positive work and ethics that got me vetted to begin with from Managers, Directors, some Operations Techs, and more. I have networked so hard and so effortlessly to the point that when someone says my name, someone knows it and what I've done for them. It all goes back to what my favorite Grandmother said, "You catch more flies with honey." Though nowadays, it's with the company-wide communal chocolate bin I help encourage people to chip in and grab a pick-me-up. People travel to it from both floors and hang around to chat. I like to think of myself as the woman off the movie Chocolat. If I had a movie, it'd be this one.
Life Lesson: Do the grunt work and the shitty schedule to show you are committed to the job and company you are applying for; it pays off and works out eventually. Especially, if you need the "3-5 years experience" points. People with degrees up to Bachelors level usually don't get into the fields they studied in, so network and exude confidence on your interviews. Background checks don't check if you acquire the degree you put on your resume, so jazz it up to fit the degree they are looking for if you studied close to it (example: B.S. in Game Development renamed to B.S. in Computer Science). Network every chance you get and try to retain your network on LinkedIn or in-house with regular chats or meetings. Never let people drag you down. If they don't think you could do the job, they wouldn't have awarded you the job; other people's opinions doesn't matter. Do better than them to show everyone (and the higher-ups) that you are a solid worker and do GREAT work. They will wash out eventually. Have a goal in mind on what you want to be and work towards it. Hard work pays off, so don't be afraid to get your hands dirty and do overtime.
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