7 months into this year, and I had hoped things would've turned around apart from last years shit show. But alas, same shit, different toilet. 


Event #1: Valen-hell Day. (February)

I had always loved Valentine's Day. I thought it was the most loving and giving day of the year. Sure, people chalk it up to being a pagan-capitalistic-lonely holiday (as if the other holidays don't fit that description), but I loved the idea of giving (and receiving) love. 

In any case, this year I had wanted to try and do what I did when I first started at my current company, and bring in cookies for the office. I also didn't want to leave out my beloved boyfriend, so I got his favorite from a few years ago, the cookie bouquet. I got both from Cheryl's Cookie Store. In any case, it was also my ex-work husband's birthday, so this posed an issue. You see, I was attempting to ignore him for the rest of his life like he had been doing to me, since last year October, and was focusing on the rest of the people in the office. I also got flowers for a friend of mine, but she called out sick with a stomach virus. No one really got any cookies because people from OPS mainly were taking my ex-work husband's "bro before hoe" side. So much that a friend from the P.C. team took a few cookies to my ex-work husband's side, because he was too fucking scared to get up and get it himself. (Sometimes I wonder why I work here). I sat in the dark in my cube area in the dolphin tank by myself most of that day trying not to cry.

Apart from the cookies being a disaster, my boyfriend, Daniel, had taken me out to lunch to this terrible place. They were still trying to get their shit together, and the food and service was horrible. I gave him a pass on it, but he didn't really get me anything but a card. Keep in mind, it's supposed to be my favorite holiday. Later on, my boss-friend is hinting at me getting a better celebration later on that day at night: romance, sex, restaurant. But actually, he went to martial arts practice, and came back his usual time, 10 PM. 

That day in its entirety had never been so lonely in my entire life. 


Event #2: (Almost) Raped in Korea; 100 hours around the world. (March)

So in this situation, a few people suggested that I was at fault for not knowing that the situation would've happened. I have since then removed them from my life.

So, last year I traveled to Japan with Onish and John, as you may have read from last year in my memoir. It was great overall, minus the shit I went through with ex-work husband. This time we were going to Korea and their two friends, Kyle and Tong, were coming with us. I had never met them until we started traveling from our layover area. Though I didn't think I had to be weary of the two new people because I had trusty John and Onish by my side... right?

Fast- Forward to when we get to Korea at midnight at some point after a 13 hour flight and another flight from China. John has folks in Korea, because he is Korean. So, instead of taking an expensive ride to the air bnb we rented out, John's family friend took us. It was quite a drive from the airport. Plus we got lost. I didn't realize how long of a drive it was right away, because I started noticing that all four of them were updating their Tinder accounts. Lol... wtf. 

Fast-Forward some more. We finally get to the air bnb and we pick our rooms. Had I known what would happen later on that morning (because again we got there at midnight), I would've picked the upstairs room because the stairs were steep as fuck. After we get settled in (which by the way I got the pink bedroom downstairs with a couch in it. Remember that), we had decided we wanted to go to the Burger King up the road because we're hungry and we wondered what it was like in Korea (btw every fast food chain is different in every country. China had a gourmet Pizza Hut; I shit you not). We get a change in plans and Kyle and Onish start running towards the city area with all the lights. In this area, it's like Tokyo where everything is right next door and in close proximity except all the street trash. We go to a basic Korean BBQ place to eat, but Kyle and Onish want to drink badly. Tong has been inebriated for almost 24 hours, seriously, so he's indifferent; he's just really tired. John and I don't want to. So, we're at this BBQ place, but you can't just order drinks, you must also order food to go with it as that is the "law" of the place. We can't decided on food so we leave, even though John and I feel morally wrong for leaving. 

We get outside and the group goes to the 7/11 next door to grab nothing but alcohol served in these coke bottle type glasses, and gets trashed on the streets and LOUD. They are yelling and screaming like entitled Americans, and all the locals are looking at us scared and concerned and LAUGHING. I'd never been so embarrassed, not to mention the ONLY ONE SOBER. At one point, Kyle puts his arms around me and he sniffs my neck and hair. I start trying to fight him off in the street as the other three watch me being molested. Kyle belts out, "She's mine guys". I finally get him off me, and to be careful not to anger him. (Remember that too). Onish is either super drunk or "drunk", and decided to keep repeating how beautiful I am and keeps falling on top of me with his hands resting on my chest. He keeps wobbling in the street as does everyone else. At one point, I had to grab Tong from posting up on a building, because the police was about to cart him off to jail. Somewhere in between, I started filming just in case...

It's freezing and late (or early in the morning), and Onish and John want to go back to the air bnb, thank goodness. We leave Kyle and Tong to whatever they want to plan to do, which is clubbing apparently. I cared more about John and Onish anyways, because they were my actual friends; I gave not shits about the other two (though my heart went out to Tong as he was super neutral in all of this, and I feared for him). As John, Onish, and I started, what would be, our 3 hour walk that should've only took 30 mins or less, they Onish kept throwing up and falling down. He kept falling to the point where his pants fell off and he semi rolled down hill. He kept crying and couldn't keep himself up. John eventually was able to carry Onish's fat ass back. We got lost a lot because google maps is disabled in Korea (and Pokemon Go btw). I keep yelling at them for "motivation" as I fed them chips and water to help ward off the hangovers they were developing. 

We finally get back, and John and I help Onish get undressed to his tshirt and boxers to wash his clothes. We also prop him up to avoid him choking on his throw up. John strips to (and btw I think nothing of it but my existential brothers) his boxers to also wash off the vomit, but then he fell in love with my ass when I bent down to take off Onish's shoes. He was so fascinated that he kept asking to touch it and do shit to it. Wtf. You have to understand that most of the people we all associated with had thought John was Asexual or best gay. So everyone was shocked at that part.

I Marco Polo Daniel to tell him what happened and how I'm afraid. I try to strip into sleeping clothes as I had worn my clothes for 24 hours or more. I tried to get some sleep. I didn't think to lock my door, which is not like the locks here. An hour later after settling into sleep mode, Kyle comes into my room after trying to find his way back to the air bnb (later I know that it was without Tong) after trying to party. And he came in my room wanting to see if I wanted to cuddle TWICE. Some how he felt entitled because he thought walking in the cold dark longer was justifiable. He was just standing over my bed and didn't even wake me, or knock btw. He left after I rejected him smoothly, but was cussing outside my door. I was about to go beat his ass because of it. Then he came back a second time and tries to bargain with me. Nobody was awake or sober; If I called for help, I would have no one. I got him out my room calmly and barred my door with the couch in my room. 

By this point 6 A.M. was rolling around and Tong messages me. Apparently he got separated from Kyle (which everyone thought was fine in the morning because 'that's what he does'; just disappears). Tong messages the group but the only person that can respond is me, because I'm scared awake and not drunk. He needs a way to come back. I can't and won't go out to get him, and I'm pissed he was abandoned by Kyle and drunk. I send him a map so I can try and sleep. I only got 3 hours of sleep ffs!! I was afraid of my surroundings and felt violated etc... That was the first fucking 6 HOURS in Korea!!

Needless to say, I cussed all of them out (not so much Tong as he wasn't really an issue). I almost beat Kyle's ass in the morning, which was afternoon because he was claiming it was ok and taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions. And actually NONE of them took responsibility for their actions. Go figure. So I left, because I had no friends left there, especially after them going "bros over hoes" on me. Anything could've happened to them: jailed, murdered, things stolen from them, maybe even raped. But it's fine because I was there to be their potential babysitter and whore, right?!

I left that day and got on a plane to go back home. I got trapped in a Chinese airport for 24 hours because the last plane docked too late. I had only a blanket they gave me. I was wonder where to get food and water. Everything was closed until later. I couldn't sleep and had to keep my stuff close. The internet was weak, and blocked Facebook. I had no cell phone service, as China does not have a Sprint cell tower (btw). So I was trapped with almost no communication. Thankfully, my boss-friend and Daniel had google hangouts, but I couldn't call out with the weak signal. I had to download a VPN app to VPN into California to use Facebook and make a text and call someone... anyone. 

I get back to the states broke and traumatized. Daniel secures me and gets me from airport. Everyone is relieved. I spend a week of rest of vacation in hiding. I go back to work and ex-work husband keeps telling OPS and anyone he can tell that I am lying about Korea. It causes a divide till this day; nobody apologizes for slander and shit talking behind my back. It ruins more friendships, and I clean house on Facebook and my life. 


Event #3: Seattle: To Be or Not To Be? (April)

My department gets a possible offer to relocate to Seattle. I get the possibility to have a better career path, raise, and promotion. It falls short as no one finds it efficient to send us there mostly due to cost of living and cost of everything else. I'm stuck, with others, feeling jaded and jerked around. Now, I'm fighting for a better future with my current company, but I'm finding less hope. I was kind of excited towards the end as it meant something new, and I got to leave particular family members behind. I started mapping out my future and goals. How heartbreaking.


Event #4: July: Rejection and Judgement 

Apart from not really having a sex life for almost 6 months and before that many more months, I've been rejected by guys who are drunk to who I thought would've made an awesome replacement work husband. Apart from my boyfriend's troubled Libido, it is clear that no guy wants me. This month by far, especially since it was my birthday month, has shown me that I'm aging, and getting older. And no matter how attractive people say I am, I can pull them, but never keep them. In my birthday post, I go into more detail about how people judge my diet changes due to a documentary and fights about relationships and how I view them. No one understands me in any way, shape, or form (anymore). It had made me seriously question suicide tonight. I don't think I want to live in a world where I constantly feel lonely. CONSTANTLY FEEL LONELY. Sometimes I hope blogging will alleviate the pain and tears I shed occasionally. I don't blame anyone; I blame myself for aging, and looking crappy. It takes more than a crop top and skinny jeans to grab any body's attention. But people treat me as if I have no intelligence, and that the words I saw are stupid. No one listens to me really, but then again why should they? 

Imma go cry..