The Dangerous Kaos Experience

         I want soooooooooooooo bad to do edgy things with my boyfriend. It's always been like that with every boyfriend I've been with. They lack the confidence to dance with me in the middle of a bumping circle of strangers in strobe lights and electronica music ( - .-)... for example. Crazy yeah? O.o Anyways.... I wanna do random, crazy, out-of-this-world things! I think I may need to leave my boyfriend behind, and set sail (' -' ) to another country. I think I'm going to go on vacation cross-country by myself. I'm pretty sure that my family (and boyfriend) are going to be like, "oh my gooosh, noooo don't go alooone", but I mean I could've sworn that Terrence was going on a cruise with his girlfriend, and honestly I never got the opportunity to really be single O.o

         Deal with it!\( ' -')/ Totally going to find a place to be free and WILD!! UGH!! ( - .-) being around straight-laced people on a REGULAR BASIS, I forget that life is wonderful, rigid, roller coaster of WTF WAS THAT?! ( ' -')b

         I can't even BEGIN to start my rant without verbally destroying the title with curse words!! I tell you, if Terrence still read my blog, he'd find reason to be happy on his birthday month. In fact, he'd probably jump for joy that shit is happening to me... assumingly. 

         In any case, I AM TIRED!! I AM TIRED OF BEING STRESSED AND DEPRESSED!!! Every time I try to have a life where things don't go HORRIBLY WRONG it DOES ANYWAY! FUCK. EVERYTHING. 

         Today, I was stressed from work at its finest, and just when I was getting an even better grip on my position at the new company I work for. However, I find it unnecessary that my validity be questioned with such high accusatory tones, statements, and questions!! 
    

My Life Now.

         In any case, stressful day at work. Boom. Shouldn't be that big of a deal, right? I mean technically it shouldn't be, because I love where I work now. I really REALLY do. The people are into games, manga, anime, and many more things! However, it's when I get off of work that I have to:

1. Deal with driving back to my apartment for another 30-40 minutes. 
2. Deal with stingy/cheapskate brother and his routine check for unplugging everything from every socket if not in use. 
3. Deal with boyfriend who has nothing to really offer me nor this relationship, and:
1. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know much about me because he's wrapped up in his world all the time, even when I come over.
2. He's selfish.
3. He feels entitled to everything.
4. He can't even make me feel at ease when I get off from work at all. 
5. It's always about him.

         You know, I never really get what I want from a relationship... most times never get close to the total package. I think that if my boyfriend saw me typing this or read this that he might be upset... 

        I feel like I handicap my boyfriends ALL THE TIME, and I make excuses for their inability to make me happy and be what I want them to be... 

         I was kind of pissed that my boyfriend, Daniel, was trying to bait me into getting him a burrito at Taco Bell last night, even though I JUST got home after work... And what's worse is that he was going to drive even though he doesn't have enough for gas to begin with. He didn't even ask me if I could get it for him... I feel like it's my fault though... I give in so easily and allow men to be spoiled brats. He said he was going to starve if he couldn't have anything else... I felt super bad, though I probably shouldn't since I worked really hard that day...

         I think it's true what they say... how you treat yourself in front of others is how people will treat you. I know I need to clean my car, room and bathroom more often, but at times I get so sad and tired it feels next to impossible... I felt like he was taking advantage of me... and what's worse is that when he finally gave in to wanting something else, he ended up making quite a mess wiping crumbs and stuff in his clothes that he was going to sleep with in my bed, and spilled crumbs on the floor. The icing on the cake was him not washing his hands before nor after eating!! It was pretty hard to watch and accept nonetheless... 

         He tells me that his job situation or money situation is temporary... but I feel like I'm talking to one my exes who make excuses for their actions that they could have avoided instead of procrastinating... And then he had the audacity to tell me to wait before we can go on a regular date... I thought that was sooo very unfair of him to say when I've been waiting for YEARS for a real guy to take care of me... a real guy to treat me the way I would like to be treated...

         I was hoping that he would try to show me appreciation for the things I do for him in the smallest measurement by at least coming to see ME at MY APARTMENT, but he always has an excuse with the fact that he doesn't have enough money to do so... And I must go over to his place if I want to see him... Of course I don't have to... nice to know.... But it's like if you can't by me anything and if you can't treat me right by taking me out on a date more often showing your appreciation that I am even with you (not too mention keeping the relationship alive), then you would think that the least you could do is COME OVER and spend time with me. And when I was at least hoping for a massage last night at least, he comes up with the same old excuse about how he doesn't know how and leaves it at that... My shoulders and back are tense, and I don't know if he's saying that because I have skin issues on my back and shoulders or what. But I felt like that was the least he could do for me... He tried to this morning and it was a SUPER fail... And it was mostly because he didn't even try! Who gives a massage with NO OIL or LOTION?! 

         Next week, or this weekend actually, I'm giving him gas money for the 5th time practically... And yeah I was taking him out on a date this Saturday, because I wanted to do something for him, but what about me... Last weekend I felt CONNED. He took me out to Star and Strikes for a date to bowl, eat, and do the arcade. But then he wanted to go to the movies also... and had me pay... I felt insulted and that the date was sort of ruined... I was not expecting for him to do that to me and I did not plan for that out of my budget... 

         All my boyfriends, except one, have taken advantage of me... I hate it... but there's not too much I can do when I am trying to make the relationship work... and they make ME feel GUILTY if I leave them for their inability and lack of real interest to make me happy. I am nothing but a SLAVE to my boyfriends and a SUGAR MAMA... and I guess that's mostly because I end up with either MAMA'S BOYS or LEECHES/MOOCHERS. I never get to be taken care of... all they can do is give me compliments because they KNOW that that's ALL they want and can give me (maybe ever).

        Things I've done for Daniel is so extensive, and things I try to do for Daniel is so over-the-top that I can't even explain how SUPPORTIVE I am... He feels that the fact that him staying with me is him not taking me for granted.... Instead of having an actual relationship, I feel like I am just a SLAVE to ALL my boyfriends that I've had from high school to now. If I try to use sex as a bargaining chip, they don't give a damn. Why? Because they will just result to porn; they WILL get what they want whether it's good or not for the relationship...

         I blame myself for accepting such behavior out of my boyfriends and making excuses for them. I can never just say NO, and make it known that I am WORTH A LOT MORE THAN WHAT THEY TREAT ME AS. I can never get that point across...  

            ( ' -') ok. To begin this post, please refer to the video posted below.



          ( ' -') I won't lie and say that I DIDN'T laugh my ass off ( LMAO ), because I did. HOWEVER, I also... (' -' ) ( '- ') ( "_ _) LIKED IT ENOUGH TO BUY IT on, guess where, ITUNES. *dun dun dun* Yes, it is an abomination in ( ' -').. most ways ( '- '). I can honestly say that this is my GUILTY PLEASURE ( " _ _) *death*. ( ' -') he has a... very "unique" voice and "dance" moves. And those dance moves though.. ( '- ') *cough*

          It SNOWED TODAY!!!!My job decided to let me not come into work due to this weather!! ( O -O)! 

         It has been getting worse as the day goes on O.o so I'm hoping that this weather will give me another free day tomorrow xD my job paid me for my day :P ( ' -')b NICE. 

         I decided to go to Wal-Mart to stock up on supplies in case tomorrow is just as bad. I kept skidding all over the place @.@ But now I'm home. yay \( ' -')/.

         Sooooo, since I'm here, I'm watching this interesting anime called, Trigun. It's not bad actually O.o I'm a little surprised o.O I think o.o This will keep me warm until I decide to get on my Playstation 3 xP. ( ' o')b OH YEAH.

          HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I know I'm really, really late :P But better late than never \( ' .')/ soooo, I decided to start my post with this song because it is pretty epic! Hopefully, this year will go FAR MUCH BETTER THAN LAST YEAR!! ( - .-);; 

          Everyone is going away and moving on with life... it's very depressing... I'm not sure how to take it. James has moved to California to start his life and career there... Camille graduated as well, and she's trying to move to Washington D.C. sometime this year... I'm kind of bitter towards them about it... Maybe that's why I didn't put in as much effort to say goodbye to James like I had wanted to... but he was wrapped up in his other friends from (GA) Tech anyway so... And it wasn't like he tried to see me either at all unless SOMEONE ELSE was driving... ( - .-) *sad*. 

          I do still have friends here like Carlos, who doesn't like responding to my texts at all ( - .-);;, and Jose ^.^ mostly. I usually rely on them the most... even though they are busy with their own things usually. Though I keep up with Jose a lot more on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and lmao Tumblr xD. He is SO FUNNY xD. I would be lost without a lot of people, especially them ^.^ <3

         I'm currently sitting in Corner Bakery Cafe with my boyfriend and his friend. I'm to myself blogging with music while they are talking business for future game productions :P He probably didn't want me mentioning that ( ' -'). 

          ( ' -' ) oops.
          \( ' -')/ 

         I had to start out my blog with this song... This song reminds me of Daniel, my boyfriend, and the way he feels about me, "Us". Lol, since April he's been on a never-ending quest to make me his. Obviously he succeeded ^.^ He's a Sagittarius, so they always go after what they want ^.^! This song, however, is about how he was hurt so many times, and thought maybe they were "The One", but weren't. It makes me happy to be with him. He never stops trying to impress me, take care of me (and my family), and most of all love me ^.^ I couldn't have asked for a better guy ^.^ I love him so much.


         Since February, we've pretty much been through the same things... We both lost our Grandmothers in February and were devastated by it... I wish I knew him then... It would've made moving out easier, and living more encouraging... Luckily he came along not too long after. He's my shining light and my savior in times of hell...  



          I miss my grandmother, Jean Warren... She was my best friend, and always made me feel like I belonged... I would always pick her up for her doctor's appointments, and get her perceptions... and every Sunday I would drop off her groceries... I took that day off from work and school just to do that... My only regret is not helping her clear out her house of things she wanted to get rid of... :( I miss her SOOO much...



         I learned a lot this year. And I finally got a better job ^.^ FINALLY!!!!!!! I'm thankful that this year finally turned around for the better.. I can't imagine my life without Daniel, nor Camille xD they were quite a major key to my sanity... along with my Mom and bro... And my other friends xD