The Dangerous Kaos Experience

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So! It's been months since I've updated this blog, which I have increasingly been bad at over the past years I've been at my company. It's bittersweet, but it's just been hella busy. In any case, there have been so many events that have occurred between January till now. To list a few examples: the move to a new apartment (due to robbery and it potentially being an inside job), going to South Korea though only staying for 12 hours after finding out the other members of the group were fuck boys and one tried to potentially rape me, and almost moving to Seattle because of job relocation. These things I guess.. I'll explain in detail later on in a blog some other day. Today, though, ( ' .') I wanna discuss my "Beautiful Mind" moment today, lol.

Beautiful Mind

Behold (above) my relationship explanation between "True Love" and "Standard Relationship Modal". So, keep in mind that this spawned last year between my boss-friend and I as we discussed my still roommate's, Kevin, situation with his then girlfriend and his inability to form the most beneficial and successful relationships with people. This also spawned because of the robbery that occurred in the last apartment, where I severely warned and stressed the shitty people coming in and out of our door that were linked to the other roommate at the time, Jeff, that may have robbed us. This also comes into play the shitty "work husband", Hamza, I had that was toxic and destructive. Now to explain.

I will be using my parents and my relationship as examples for this. First, let me state that I have an "open" relationship. That is something we, boyfriend and I, don't typically publicize. However, we tend to make it clear we do because of the fear and the expectations that are imposed onto us that we are supposed to be each other's "property" (when we are not). We also tend to let those know that get close to us, so we have an understanding that the respective significant other will not attack opposite sex friends or romantic interests. People do not understand our relationship, so perhaps this will help serve to define and structure how and why it works for us. (So far, our most clearly defined boundary is not having sex with other people. Maybe that'll change. We do not know).

Let's start with the top half: The Standard Relationship Modal.

The concept of the triangle works in that the relationship does not function without the concept of fear. Fear breeds jealousy and dependency which is in most cases confused with associating it with love. If person 1, my Mom is afraid my Dad, person 2, will divorce her because she has cancer, she becomes dependent on him, and then my Dad will feel loved (because he equates her fear and dependency to him to love). The reverse is also true; My Dad becoming jealous of my mother's male friends that treat her better than he does, so he is afraid she will leave him which makes him think he loves her (when in actuality he's just territorial). Both situations are negative, and force the participating individuals to "take the person as they are". This limits and discourages people to put in effort to be better people or maintain their positive attributes. Doing things to apply effort to the relationship encourages accusations and fear that one is potentially cheating or going to leave them. This is because both individuals have low self-esteem, and do not find value within themselves to make themselves better because they have adopted the "take me as I am" modal. Trust is limited and secrets are formed. This is a formula for destruction of a relationship. Fear is control, and without the ability to control their partner, with the partner willing to relinquish their free will to their partner and sense of ownership of oneself, then the do not feel loved. This can be said about religion, however, people have trouble between the concept of "free will" and "freedom". This brings us to our second section on the board.

The second (and last section) on the white board: True Love Modal.

It is true; if you truly love someone set them free, and if they come back it's meant to be. Well, on a daily basis, my boyfriend and I, in a sense, do that. We have communicated it plainly and agreed that we will have feelings for others apart from each other because that is human nature. We have drawn out our expectations for the relationship and other things (like how we should/would like to treat each other). We keep an "open door" policy that we tell each other almost everything that's worth mentioning, things that are interesting, and any romantic interests we encounter. We keep the conversation PG, mostly, in regards to our interactions with whoever we have a romantic interest in. Actions are typically omitted, as it serves no function in conversation or knowledge of needing to know. Our relationship fits the second half of the white board. It is drawn in a circle to suggest the "If => then => because" situation; If we love (each other) then we trade transactions because we love (each other). The reverse can be taken as well; If we trade transactions with each other then we love each other because we trade transactions with each other. (Okay that may have been a bad sentence. Carrying on). This modal suggests that we put in effort to maintain the relationship and each other's needs (and wants occasionally). This relationship modal is fluid. This promotes happiness, trust, and bonus points: independence. The overall goal is to meet each other's expectation and set them for each other. It encourages a checks and balances, where if the significant other does not meet the other's expectations that they should stop trading and and work out their issues. If they cannot work out their issues, they should split. This gives a cleaner and mutual split, which can give way to a friendship later on after healing. This is how I've been able to stay friends with 90% of my exes and romantic interests. The great thing about this modal is that it can work for either open or closed relationships and friendships of all kinds. It also helps encourage both people in the relationship to keep themselves up and grow as a person. Growth is stunted in the previous modal. This modal can be tied into my previous blog post: "Decree of Relations".

To those who read this or look at the picture, this may all be confusing. Lol, at least I hope that I was very forward and informative. :)

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This is my 2016 summation; the summation of all the limits I pushed this year and all the limits I wish I didn’t want to push this year coming to past. I’ll be breaking it up based upon events that happened this year.

Event #1: Hamza/"Arkham". January 2016.

Him and I had come to a strange split where we were trying to figure out what we wanted from each other. We had effectively stated we were each other’s best friends, despite how we felt about each other. However, when I asked him about expectations and adding me back on social media, he balked. For the longest, I thought that I had did something wrong to him for him to push me away. So, I kept trying to make “it” up to him. But the problem was… I didn’t know what “it” was. There came a point in January where I quickly demoted him, after an argument, to just basic “friend”. Not because I didn’t want to meet his expectations, but because he didn’t want to meet mine any longer. This set coarse an abusive “friendship” throughout the rest of the year (that I will shed light on later on).

Event #2: Daniel’s Aunt’s Funeral. March 2016.

It was the first time I went to a funeral in an extremely small town. It’s so far down South Georgia that you have to pull the sun up (practically). Daniel’s aunt had passed away (on his father’s side). Practically a third of the town was there at the church. And when going to the funeral, you were bound to run into the typical black stereotypes and the “shades”. I was dressed like I was from the city; light-skin femme fatale black skin-tight dress with a big black purse (from H & M, a place they’ve never even heard of), and pink heels to accent the dress. My hair was in a bun. All the men were staring at me, because none of the women dressed like me, and the older women were asking if I was cold so they could try and “cover me up”. And of course, you have Daniel’s Mom showing me off and complimenting me to the crowd because I’m the outcast of the church (in a positive way). Probably a little too sexy even for the event, when looking at everyone else’s attire.

We went down Saturday and was supposed to go back that night, but ended up going back Sunday. It kind of pissed me off because he didn’t keep his word, and everyone was encouraging him to have us stay a night. In the end, it was cool. I mean, he rarely get to see them, but then I also got to spend time with his older brother (who’s 40 by the way lol), and more of his family.

Event #3: The Sundial. April 2016.

It’s one of the most expensive restaurants I’ve known; we spent over $200 for the night. We ended up staying an hour while the entire restaurant made a trip around the building; that’s part of its charm. However, if you’re afraid of heights then this place may not be for you. Especially, when just taking the elevator up 17 flights. The food was in good portions, and so good and fresh. It’s incredibly high profile, and for good reason. We went to celebrate 3 years of being together. (Yes, you can do that even in an open relationship). I guess I should clarify that I do have an open relationship, but it works for us. We have our do’s and don’ts/ boundaries for a few things, but every relationship is different and works depending on each person’s needs and wants. We are incredibly unorthodox, and I think that intimidates a lot of people, ha.

Event #4: Japan Part Deux (with Onish and John). May 2016.

At this point, I was excited and a little frightened traveling with Onish and John. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust them; it was because I wasn’t sure if they wanted me along for the ride or not. They were closer to each other than I, but it seemed that they weren’t opposed to me going anyway. I hadn’t really gotten to spend much time with them outside of work anyway. I was part nervous part excited.

As I said earlier I would expound more on the situation between Hamza and I. By May, we were on awkward terms. I tried to text him saying I was trying to see him one more time before I left the country. I told him it was because I was going to miss him and that well… who knows if I would’ve made it back alive again. His only response was, “Have a safe flight.” Gee, thanks.

While Onish, John, and I were overseas, we stayed in an Air BnB for the first time. It was super cool. I enjoyed staying with them so much. I wish it had never ended. I was able to escape from everything that I was feeling and going through to spend time with good friends. It almost made me cry (positively). We all looked out for each other, and we had a great time seeing the sites. I had asked Hamza before I left what he wanted me to bring back for him, and he said random Japanese candy. While I was in Japan, I saw this candy store that handmade their candy, and I just KNEW he’d fall in love with it. I was so excited and I wanted to get it for him so badly.

We also went to the infamous Evangelion store (where I became intrigued to finally watch the anime), we got parfaits, went to the Gundahm Café, the Final Fantasy Café, the huge garden, Akihabra, Harjuku, Tokyo Square, etc. I took plenty of pictures and made a video to it with the soothing music similar to that of Nujabes on my Facebook page. It took me quite some time to condense my hundreds of pictures and videos into a 30 minute montage of Japan.

When I finally came home, I gave everyone in my office and my close friends gifts from Japan. I was elated to give Hamza his gift, but when I did he got bent out of shape about it. He got upset asking me how much it cost and how much he owed me. It was a gift… but it appeared he didn’t take it as such. He went as far as googling how much it MIGHT be on fucking Amazon. I wrote him a postcard telling him to tell me how it tastes, but he never did. Everyone around him was trying to get him to chill out and by the very least say “thank you” and accept the gift. But he wasn’t having it.

I don’t regret traveling across the globe to get him that jar of candy; I just wish he knew why I did it, and could appreciate the effort and time I took to find him the perfect gift in Japan… It was a very bittersweet time. I was jet-lagged for an entire day and slept the whole day on that Sunday.

Event #5: “The Birthday Bash”. June 2016.

My Mom decided she wanted to be a little spontaneous and get in on the major Atlanta phenomena called, “The Birthday Bash”. She was one of the major sponsors for the event, and was able to acquire 6 tickets: two for her students, one for me, one for Chris, one for Daniel, and one for herself.

She was dressed kind of out of place, and I was trying to remain as in between her somewhat conservative look and those who were young and local (to put lightly). It kind of felt like we took my grandmother to this event, and (rest her soul) she would’ve been more fun to have around. (My grandmother was a very unique one to say the least, ha!)

It was great to see black people come together predominately to enjoy good music and a good time without violence. I feel like I would’ve drank alcohol and gotten a little more loose had my mother not been there. I tried trying to show her a good time. I knew Chris and Daniel already felt like they couldn’t really be themselves fully around her. I felt the same way too, but I was trying to help her have as much a good time as I could. I bought her food and alcohol and stayed by her side.

It wasn’t a bad time overall. Especially, since we didn’t fight. Thank goodness haha.. but also there was no violence. It was defiantly a BRAND NEW experience. For me, that was pushing the limit on my fun meter with my mother; very hard to do when she’s known for being a control freak.

Event #6: My birthday (in Orlando), Pokemon Go, and Jimmy. July 2016.

We had interns at my company that I had the pleasure of introducing them to our departments and culture, haha. They typically call me “the face” of the company. Nice to know where I stand. But in any case, one of the interns, that I seemed to have befriended, made me a birthday cake before she left the company. It was oh so good <3. I miss her sometimes. She watched anime and played games; I rare combo to have in a woman for sure (apart from me that is, haha).

I should back up a bit. I met Jimmy, who started with another department a month earlier, and him and I also hit it off. On my early birthday celebration day, Jimmy picked me up and sung me around lmao! It was great because at the time I thought Hamza was getting jealous. Another friend there had bought me a birthday lunch. It was awesome; I loved it all. Hamza never wished my happy birthday, for the second year in a row, on my early birthday celebration day or the actual day. The sad part is I ALWAYS tell him happy birthday. He always tells everyone else Happy Birthday in person or on Facebook. Not me. I can only assume he hates me, I suppose. (Otherwise, why would you treat me like shit ever since you pushed me away a year ago.)

This was also the month that Pokemon Go made its HUGE debut. And yes, me and most of my friends were getting down and dirty tracking down Pokemon to collect around the metro Atlanta area! It was HUGE. I mean people were outside my job area where the major hot spots resided and CAMPED WAITING. I swear to you. I’ve never seen such a phenomena. So, on my way to Orlando, Florida to celebrate my actual birthday at Orlando Studios with Daniel lol, I made sure to hit up ALL TH POKESTOPS AND ALL THE GYMS!! I was making sure I was going to take over. It was quite a trip! It was only for the weekend, but it was well worth it!

Event #7: Mom’s Neck Surgery. August 2016.

Mom was going in for Neck surgery, and I thought at first that she just wanted me to drop her off. But I was oh so wrong… She thought I was going to drop her off to leave her there to die. But I didn’t have any days left to just “take off”. But I was going to go back to the hospital later that day to see about her anyway. I ended up making a bargain with my boss-friend so I could work from home to make up the hours and also stay by her side when she needed something. When I say Daniel and I catered to her every whim, we did. We were by her side the most. But she still yearned for her favorite, my brother, and her brother who both were barely around.

Daniel and I came over almost every day to help relief my brother and my other uncle (that lives with her). We got everyone food and spent the night at one point. She was in agonizing pain. My breaking point was when she claimed I could not take care of her the night before I came down to spend the night and take care of her, and that apparently only my uncle (that lives with her) and my brother could. To put this into perspective of why this was so insulting, consider the following: My mother, brother, and uncle (that lives with her), and myself all took care of this uncle and my grandmother for over 12 years from taking them to their doctor appointments (this uncle is schizophrenic), picking up their weekly prescriptions, and taking groceries over for them EVERY Sunday. 3 years ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which we found out she was living with for over a year. It had spread to the rest of her body, and by February she had passed away at a hospice. Now, given my 12 years (or even more) of service to my relatives, how the fuck could I NOT take care of my Mother at one of her darkest hours? That’s a rhetorical question; I CAN take care of her.

I was very insulted, and had to separate myself from her, my brother, and my uncles. You don’t insult the very core of me, and expect me to continue the same care I provided. Not to mention she kept calling and yearning for my brother like I wasn’t even there. Not cool. We made up eventually, but hopefully, she understands how much that hurt me.

Event #8: Kevin 2.0’s Fight and Brussels. September 2016.

At some point, Kevin and I got into it at work because we were under quite a lot of pressure equally. I blew up at him and his brother and then also a project manager (that is a snake). I blew up at Kevin because it seemed like he wasn’t going to help me from a friend’s point of view to find something that belonged to the former company he was with (that we acquired). It was evidence, basically. I blew up at the project manager, because he wouldn’t stop making harsh jokes about Hamza and I being split and old “work wife and work husband”. I didn’t want to blow up at either one (even if people say the project manager deserved it). HR could’ve been involved, but we all decided it was unwarranted. Even with me cursing and making a fool of myself, trying to hold back the tears that still ran down my face. Everyone was staring at me in my shame.

My boss-friend helped me do the hardest thing for me to do: reconcile. I tossed the idea over and over till I realized that it wasn’t what I said that was upsetting, it was the way I took the approach. I realized my part in this and drove with my boss-friend to dollar tree to get a card and a box of Kevin’s favorites: butterfingers. My boss-friend was proud of me for taking apart the situation and apologizing for my actions and taking the first step. Growth was a common thing for me this year, and I grew more under the guidance and leadership of my boss-friend. I’d mention his name, but I don’t think he’d want to be memorialized in my blog, haha.

At some point, I had to fly to Brussels, Belgium for work to deliver sensitive information. It was the most fast-paced trip of my life! I met this cool old woman on the plane with me named Irene that toasted up with me. It was pretty chill. And naturally the male, older, British, flight attendant wanted to induct me to the mile high club. Whoa. I grew a lot while I was over there as well. It was pretty cold. I thought about a lot. I visited the Grand Palace and a few other interesting places. I took tons of pictures. The managing director was impressed with my ability to go abroad to the job when no one else was willing to. Originally, I was going to be over there for a day to deliver the information, but it turned into a weekend getaway because it was cheaper. Plus, I caught Mr. Mime; the European region locked Pokemon in Pokemon GO!! :D

Event #9: Hamza and I split brutally and AfroPunk. October 2016.

I attended AWA again this year, but with a wider entourage. Roommate Kevin and I were getting a head start together on Friday, while Daniel stayed at home lazy as ever. Saturday was the craziest ever. I saw John, Onish, Camille, Alex, etc. (I even saw that mean guy that never apologized to me but I’d like to reconcile with: Jose). It was the picture saw around the world in my Alice in Wonderland dress and bow in my hair. I took a picture with Onish that seemed to have sent shockwaves around the world on social media. So much that roommate Kevin spoke Hamza into existence at AWA. I was shocked and appalled that he was even THERE. He came to hang out with Onish and John. I say this because he didn’t want to associate with me and the rest of my crew. Though every time Daniel saw Hamza, he said hello cheerfully and Hamza responded back. At one point, Daniel was playing wingman trying to get Hamza and I to talk and run into each other in the rave. All of it failed. Hamza and I never talked and it created friction on Monday.

On Saturday night I cried because I was really hoping that that night was going to be Hamza and my night to get closer and finally reconcile properly, but alas he just ignored me the ENTIRE NIGHT. He didn’t even buy a pass to the event. I asked him Monday what he did there and why he was there. All he could say was that he was walking around all night, and that he didn’t know what to tell me. Everyone called bullshit; that he came there to see me, but didn’t do anything nor say anything because he was a coward. I was hoping he did com there for me… but I’ll never know the truth.

When I told Hamza what I could offer him and what level in my life I would like to place him at, he declined it and told me to stop. Well… I wasn’t the one throwing out hot and cold signals all year… in any case. I told Hamza that I couldn’t do it anymore, this thing between us we can’t get it right. I told him I didn’t think anything would change between us and that we should never talk again. All he could say was ok. Afterwards, he started bullying me and then people stepped in to draw a line. We didn’t talk after that except rare occasions about work in December. It was so very heartbreaking… it still is. I had hoped we’d reconcile, but there’s nothing I can do; it’s up to him to come forward and tell me what he wants and reconcile. I can’t keep reaching out and getting mistreated and abused.

AfroPunk happened. It was pretty cool to experience the revolution. I’m definitely going next year again. Despite how small the venue was, it was perfect for what it was trying to do. I absolutely loved it. I finally got to see Tyler, the creator in person and earl the sweatshirt. Some friends showed up unexpectedly. It was too cool.

Event #10: In the End. December 2016.

I started training our new edition to the team, and we hit it off pretty well. After talking to her and going over everything, I realized that I need to get it together and just end this year right. Hamza and I have had turmoil, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin my brand new year. If he doesn’t want to reconcile then that’s on him. But what I can do is be the bigger person, at least for myself. And that’s exactly what I did. My boss-friend let me go home early, but before I left I went over to Hamza and told him face-to-face, “I hope you have a good holiday and that it’s all you ever wanted it to be”. I was surprised he took off his headphones to ask me “What?” so annoyed. But after that, I walked away and went home. I felt like I unlocked a trophy. I felt like I was the bigger person. It was SO HARD.

But, whether or not it helps us reconcile or not, I wasn’t going into the New Year a coward, a failure, nor shackled to this pain any longer. I’m starting the brand new year with a BANG! ;)

Cheers. Here’s hoping next year is filled with more excitement, friendships, growth, and wisdom.

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