The Dangerous Kaos Experience: 2013

This morning I wanted to commit suicide.

I had made a very self-conscious decision after a variety or unfortunate events had occurred that I was content with leaving this world. I think me regretting it would be possible, but since I feel numb and excessively depressed I felt as if I may not be missing much…

Apart from the mold in my old apartment situation and the inability to get another job…, my brother accidently through away my stuff I had in a black trash bag because he thought it was trash…. I went to go dig it out this morning and then my brother came and helped me… I was so pissed and sad and depressed that I started to cry while finding it, and eventually he found it in the corner… I was yelling every few words because I couldn’t take the pain… Felt like I was losing everything. I was almost late for the job I excessively hate…

While on the road, I began to cry little by little… my brother had tried to call me and I was too broken to pick up. I couldn’t even do my hair this morning because it was so dry… but to make it all worse I forget my purse on the table at the apartment in the heat of everything so I have no money. I find it ironic because I got paid today and I was about to pay for my phone bill online, but I lost track of time and then left without it… I have no money for food and I’m starving… and I have no money on me which is bad because I saw my gas tank and it is so close to E I’m afraid that I may get stranded on the road after work…

I still haven’t heard back from the people I interviewed with this past Monday yet. They claim they need someone immediately… And I assume they’ve made their decision since it is Thursday and I haven’t heard anything yet… I can see why celebrity couples may have issues… They may hardly ever get to see each other, and when one’s career tanks and the other is steadily growing rapidly it can cause riffs… unless the one was never a celebrity, or they are highly supportive regardless, or they are content being a homemaker. I for one am not a fan of being dependent upon someone… I guess it would be nice to take a break from working and possibly get a higher degree and experience to go with it… Fantasy.

I’m getting afraid that I may not see Daniel often or at all really since he has a new position working form 9-5. My hours are never constant and soon my company will be reorganizing itself to for the needs for the business and I’m not sure what I will end up doing… I’m not sure if I will get laid off, or get less hours, or even get a morning shift at all… I can’t even get jobs that are beneath my degree level unless I omit it on my resume all together… So I guess letting the wheel of the car shift this morning was more of a happier time than the entire year has brought me… it gets worse as the year goes on… I dread to know how the rest of the year will turn out… I have these thoughts in my head about dying… and how… I’m pretty sure that if things don’t get better that my relationship and life will pummel into the ground ending tragically… Daniel says he will be with me through everything, but what happens when we can’t be a couple or be on the same page with hours or at least financially… feel like a poor street rat… so hungry hardly have any clothes…

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I should probably write this in my actual diary instead, but I never really get the opportunity to write in it these days. Besides, I guess maybe this is best said out loud; thinking out loud is ideal to understanding I suppose.

Terrence and I had met up with Carlos on Monday this week at American Deli. It happened that we were all around so figured why not. When Carlos left and Terrence and I had time to talk alone, things seemed to have gotten… interesting.

Terrence and I had talked about our past, present and I guess future in an interesting way. He had mentioned how had we still been together that he would’ve eventually proposed to me (assuming within summer) while we took a vacation to a resort… but now, him and Libby (his girlfriend, was his ex previously to me) were going to do that for their birthdays next year since it is 10 days apart… I felt a sense of envy and sadness occur when hearing that. He also saw in my bag how I had Borderlands 2 and that I was looking to play it with Daniel. Funny thing was Terrence asked me how was it because if I thought it was good then he was going to buy it for him and Libby to play together on PC (since they aren’t console gamers) *rolls eyes* After hearing that AND the fact that they were going to a resort next year so “fast”, I just felt defeated for some reason and sad… I saw the excitement in his eyes for both and it killed me… I was wondering why I wasn’t just as important when we were together… I guess we’ll see if that happens. I think that he might be doing this (or saying this) because I had mentioned how me and Daniel were trying to go to Costa Rica months ago.

He made a lot of accusations about my relationship, again, with Daniel, which even Daniel made this face of confusion and WTH look when I told him. After I saw Terrence, I started to feel confused again.. but then my Mom had wanted to nip it in the bud. Nowadays, I’m not so sure I’m confused anymore, but I know I’ll always care a lot. And even feel like I terminated everything… that it’s my fault. I guess it just seems like he has more stock in Libby, and he even said that she moves at a slower pace for him than I did. I was starting to think that maybe it was for the best, since he is with her again… Had he not gotten back with her, then maybe I would feel like him saying that I’m his soul mate would feel more legit… I dunno… it’s just a man in love does certain things and a man not so much in love does certain things too. And I’ve learned that over my time of dating different guys.

You know, I’m just now really getting over the fact that Richard and I aren’t friends anymore? It wasn’t my doing… he deleted me off of Facebook eventually and stopped following me on Tumblr after a while (checked yesterday), even though we were still assumingly still friends when he got a new girlfriend. But it really wasn’t until he started to go steady with her that he did all of that, and I assume because he wanted her to be comfortable?? Or maybe she suggested it… Either way, I can’t blame him… I consider that he must really love her to do that. It got me thinking that maybe one day Terrence will do the same thing… So I didn’t know how much stock I should put into our now friendship with each other… I didn’t want to have to bare another form of pain again. I say this because he is kind of acting like he’s moving forward and excited about it… Feel left out… Feel like I may end up being abandoned again, but not sure when or how… Kind of feel like crying… It’s nice to know though that Daniel is here by my side. Lol makes life a lot less lonely :)

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I’ve been meaning to set the record straight about my two relationships, one with Terrence previously and the one with Daniel. Perhaps, this will reach my ex and hopefully make me feel better…

Last night, Terrence made me cry. I didn’t anticipate it since things were going well to an extent. But he really took me over the edge when he forgot to say Happy Birthday to me and then he wrote this pretty nasty email to me.. And maybe it shouldn’t have felt like a big deal.. But when people close to me forget my birthday, it hurts. It’s as if I’m not important to remember. It’s not like I’m asking for gifts or a band.. just to be thought of and wished happiness or something on a day that I don’t particularly enjoy…

In his most recent email, he accuses me of a lot of things. But I see no understanding on his part. I refuse to believe that he is right in 95% of it, considering that he initially started the downfall of our relationship when he went off to Valdosta.. I did semi rush me and him into a relationship at first, but I was under the influence that it was OK, since we were pretty much acting like it in many ways. I figured all we were missing was the title honestly. When he left his ex for me, I felt great and relieved and happy. Though he did not… I didn’t really know why.. wasn’t like he was treating her great behind her back.. anyway.. we were growing into our relationship and I felt he could do no wrong. I felt so confident in us and that we would last forever. He was perfect to me, and I didn’t expect that things would be ruined so quickly for so long…

When he went away to Valdosta the first time, something seemed weird after a while. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I wasn’t sure why since I never would’ve thought he would hurt me ever… I learned on his fall break that he was secretly messaging his ex still, which concurred that he was emotionally cheating on me with her… I had saw it on his computer when he opened it up. It hurt so badly… At that initial point I was hoping he was going to make this up to me or make a decision for us… but nothing…

After that I had trust issues… I didn’t trust him at all, and what made it worse was that he was confused about his feelings… It hurt so bad that I was still in competition with his ex somehow, and of course that he emotionally cheated on me… I wasn’t sure what was worse physical or emotional cheating, but I confirmed it was emotional after a while of heartbreak.. eventually I forced him to make a decision in January years ago to break up with me since he couldn’t come to a decision after all of those months or the rest of the fall semester… And needless to say he didn’t make it up to me…

In fact, we started dating each other again weeks afterwards… but for the whole year he still was talking to her. He never let her go and said it was because he couldn’t ditch her because she was a close friend… At that point I felt betrayed and I always fought with him about what we were to each other… I kept asking him weekly almost daily what are we so I could know whether to date other people or to remain committed to him… needless to say I did remain committed to him despite his inability to make things official for a year and a few months…

Things continued to escalate further down the rabbit hole when it came to fighting over Valentine’s Day of me visiting and him not trying to help maintain the relationship while he was away… I made effort and hung on his every word for validation… I remember I bought W.O.W so we could play together and he played with me once for an hour… but yet he played with Devon for almost a month! I even downloaded L.O.L and I hated that game, to play with him, but never played together. I saved money to visit him when he couldn’t visit me… he even had the audacity to tell me not to come visit one weakened because of a fight that we had the weekend before and he said he didn’t feel right about me visiting… that hurt so much after I fought with my “uncle” and Mom to go and prove I can brave the travel alone… and not to mention requested the days off.

He claims in his email that I am unappreciative of what he has done for me over the four years, and how his girlfriend, the one he cheated on me with, is. He also claims how I rushed off to sleep with Daniel when he has no idea what happens between me and Daniel and what has happened. He claims that Daniel takes me out on the town often and spends some large amount of money on swanky places like Aja, when that is rare and few most times. He claims that him telling not asking me that we should take a break didn’t finalize us and make it a break-up. When you say we should see other people, I assume that we are broken up. I don’t sit on the sidelines for nothing. I wasn’t going to be a “just-in-caser” like his ex was. I wanted a real honest commitment and Daniel just came out of nowhere. I didn’t plan it, and I shouldn’t have to justify myself. I shouldn’t have to justify that I was trying to move on from a toxic relationship where me boyfriend at the time never ever made it up to me after all these years of me not being able to trust him and cheating on me. All I had wanted from him was for him to say I love you… for him to be there for me always… to commit to me fully… to work out our problems… to do things that I like that make me happy without it being a chore… to chase after me if and when we had fights or if he felt he was losing me... and most importantly to make things up to me when he’s wrong… But now that he has lost me, he seems content.

I honestly don’t know how he would’ve expected me to take the promise ring he was considering on getting me… in the relationship after the first 3 years I felt so uneasy and couldn’t trust him and decreased expectations in the relationship… I felt I was just taking what I could get and that if I didn’t like it I could just leave. I felt dispensable.. like I wasn’t an important person… I tried to work things out with him… I tried telling him why I was upset and what I wanted in the relationship and asking for clarity and being concrete instead of vague. I didn’t want to be some side chick that was waiting AGAIN for a guy I’d been with for 4 years… so I took it as a sign he was pushing me away and moving on… so I tried too. I cried everyday and was hardly eating after he left me… Most of everything I have stated above can’t be justified positively. It just shows that he really is selfish… and I need someone who can share and be selfish of me. Someone wanting to do things I like because I like to, not because they feel forced. And even if they don’t like what it is, I know true love allows one to be interested at least. If someone is so set against doing it because they don’t like it and makes them uncomfortable, then they may not love you as much as you think… I dedicated my life to Terrence. For him to blatantly be accusative and nasty after all that I stuck with him through hurts more than anything… I believe he’s happy with his “new” girlfriend though…

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Today is Daniel and I’s 3 month Anniversary ^.^ And it’s the only good thing that has technically happened to me so far today, because my ex, Terrence, made me cry this morning… But that’s for another post…

I’m pretty happy to be with Daniel. I think that over the few months of us getting to know each other and merge lives together, I feel grateful for having him as a boyfriend. I do feel less stressed and more free-spirited nowadays. Before, it was kind of hard to feel that way with everything going on in my life at the time…

I love the way he takes care of me. The way he meshes with my family is priceless. They seem to embrace him so much in his entirety. It feels good that he’s open with them ^.^ I wish my deceased Grandmother could meet him. Lol, she would probably be swept away xD

He has a lot of things to pay for or pay off, but that’s how it has been since I had met him. Though despite those things, he puts money away for things for me and for us as a couple. I’m not a materialistic girl.. I don’t find joy in meaningless expensive objects or whatever… I prefer the more personal touch, even if it’s a handwritten letter or note or something. And yes occasionally I like expensive gifts whether it’s a surprise or for an occasion. It makes things like Aja, the restaurant he took me for my birthday, a real treat since it’s sort of rare we can go out like that anyway.. ^.^

Sometimes we go on dates or hangout or whatever at places that don’t cost anything since money can be tight for us. Like climbing Stone Mountain, or having a picnic at Piedmont Park, or cooking at his place ^.^ We do what we can ^.^ If anything, it’s more important we do things together and work out our issues if we have any. And we do. He bought Borderlands last month so we could play together, and at first I was hesitant, but it’s pretty fun since he’s the one really encouraging us to play a lot of times xD And I dunno, something happens for me when a guy I’m with goes after me or guy I like, and never gives up on me… it just feels different.. like I’m not the only one putting in the effort. Like he would fight for me to not leave… I feel like I’m worth a fight now… worth fight over or for.. There are days I’m still in the reserve about the future. I mean you think that when you initially get together that you will be together forever in a sense or at least you are in it long term. I’m still afraid that he’ll become like all the rest somehow… But I guess for now things are pretty peachy ^.^

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My Birthday was one to remember this year ^.^ It all began on Saturday when my boyfriend, Daniel, took me to this place called Aja, pronounced “Asia” xD. It was soooooooooooooooooooooo awesome ( @ .@) It was pretty trendy place!! He said he did a lot of research to find a place I would love ^.^ The place was lively with dubstep and trance music! \^.^/ He had to make reservations because it was semi small place that required valet parking ^.^ We got dressed up, and it took me two hours to try and get everything right and ready for that day.

Creme Brulee! ^.^

Our Food!

Later on that day, he took me to go see World War Z at Atlantic Station, and we grabbed some yogurt at this place called Yogli Mogli xD. Funny name :P They had sooooooooo many varieties in yogurt that we all had to stand in line so we wouldn’t topple each other xD. It was a night to remember ^.^

On Sunday, my Mom had made curry chicken and other dishes to go along with it ^.^ She also bought a cake that was handmade by a bakery in her work town area. It was pretty good :P It was Red Velvet with nuts and cream cheese icing ^.^

Monday though lol :P my coworker/ friend James and I share the same birthday down to the year, day, and month!! \*0*/ So we decided to celebrate it together with his cousin ^.^ It was fun! We went to Malibu Grand Prix in Gwinnett :P And it would’ve been better had it still had the Adult track for racing xD but either way it was cool :P I beat James in Tekken 5 \( ‘ .’)/ oh yeah!

Everyone remembered my birthday, even those I don’t even talk to did too xD I was tad upset that Terrence forgot and didn’t even BOTHER email me at least ( - .-).. But it’s whatever since he was probably doing that to me because I did that to him, even though I thought we were threw so I didn’t see the necessity to celebrate the person-who-broke-my-heart’s birthday.. At the same time, he doesn’t chase or go after anyone, he’s more of a I’ll-sit-here-and-wait-for-you type of guy. So, he probably wanted me to get on Skype or something lol. That’s kind of low lol, some friend.. Anyway, :P I was hoping for more in a different sense… Daniel would know what I’m talking about lol… T.T But maybe there’s still a chance… I dunno…

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Lol, it’s been a while since I’ve written on my blog. Though, technically it has been longer than this in the past.. but maybe it will help relive some stress..

So, today is my Friday for the week.. T.T why you may ask? Because:

I’m too nice at times, which led me to taking a coworker’s shift on my off days because her cousin died..
and two because I had to close from Tuesday last week to Monday this week!!! And I have been working 9 days straight!!!!!

I hate my job. ( ‘ –‘)

I know I say this whenever I get the opportunity O.o but honestly can you blame me?.. And I’ve been trying to keep hope alive with applying to jobs.. and I had an interview TWICE last week for the same job but in different areas of Atlanta. But I was highly disappointed when I learned the mechanics of the position. It was at ITT Tech as their Admissions Representative.. and everything was great EXCEPT that the quota I had to meet was mandatory or after a while I would lose my job… Now, who wants that type of stress O.o

It did deter me from applying to jobs, and also from having hope on finding something else. But apparently, my boyfriend finds it preposterous, and made it one of his missions to get me a job and out of the airport. xD Which brings me to yesterday, lol, he apparently applied online to SEVERAL JOBS at one time for me ^.^ aww. One of the contacts had called me yesterday, and it would’ve worked out had it not been an hour away in Norcross xP. IT WAS ENTRY LEVEL PUBLIC RELATONS!! O.o

He’s good. ( ‘ –‘)

This weekend Daniel, my boyfriend, is supposed to teach me how to swim, and we’re also supposed to be shopping for swim suits tomorrow ^.^ It’s been interesting ride these past few months. It’s not what I expected. But it’s been great nonetheless. Our 2 month anniversary is on it’s way, and I’m wondering what he has in store for us ^.^ he makes it seem like there’s a spectacle aspect going on :P

In other news, it seems like Terrence and I are trying to be friends. He sent a friend request on Skype to me last week, and we talked then. We haven’t spoken since then, and maybe that’s because he wants me to speak first xP but I do get online at least to see if my other buddies are on. ^.^

I can’t wait for this weekend, and hopefully soon a new job!! T.T

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