Messed Up
I should probably write this in my actual diary instead, but I never really get the opportunity to write in it these days. Besides, I guess maybe this is best said out loud; thinking out loud is ideal to understanding I suppose.
Terrence and I had met up with Carlos on Monday this week at American Deli. It happened that we were all around so figured why not. When Carlos left and Terrence and I had time to talk alone, things seemed to have gotten… interesting.
Terrence and I had talked about our past, present and I guess future in an interesting way. He had mentioned how had we still been together that he would’ve eventually proposed to me (assuming within summer) while we took a vacation to a resort… but now, him and Libby (his girlfriend, was his ex previously to me) were going to do that for their birthdays next year since it is 10 days apart… I felt a sense of envy and sadness occur when hearing that. He also saw in my bag how I had Borderlands 2 and that I was looking to play it with Daniel. Funny thing was Terrence asked me how was it because if I thought it was good then he was going to buy it for him and Libby to play together on PC (since they aren’t console gamers) *rolls eyes* After hearing that AND the fact that they were going to a resort next year so “fast”, I just felt defeated for some reason and sad… I saw the excitement in his eyes for both and it killed me… I was wondering why I wasn’t just as important when we were together… I guess we’ll see if that happens. I think that he might be doing this (or saying this) because I had mentioned how me and Daniel were trying to go to Costa Rica
He made a lot of accusations about my relationship, again, with Daniel, which even Daniel made this face of confusion and WTH look when I told him. After I saw Terrence, I started to feel confused again.. but then my Mom had wanted to nip it in the bud. Nowadays, I’m not so sure I’m confused anymore, but I know I’ll always care a lot. And even feel like I terminated everything… that it’s my fault. I guess it just seems like he has more stock in Libby, and he even said that she moves at a slower pace for him than I did. I was starting to think that maybe it was for the best, since he is with her again… Had he not gotten back with her, then maybe I would feel like him saying that I’m his soul mate would feel more legit… I dunno… it’s just a man in love does certain things and a man not so much in love does certain things too. And I’ve learned that over my time of dating different guys.
You know, I’m just now really getting over the fact that Richard and I aren’t friends anymore? It wasn’t my doing… he deleted me off of Facebook eventually and stopped following me on Tumblr after a while (checked yesterday), even though we were still assumingly still friends when he got a new girlfriend. But it really wasn’t until he started to go steady with her that he did all of that, and I assume because he wanted her to be comfortable?? Or maybe she suggested it… Either way, I can’t blame him… I consider that he must really love her to do that. It got me thinking that maybe one day Terrence will do the same thing… So I didn’t know how much stock I should put into our now friendship with each other… I didn’t want to have to bare another form of pain again. I say this because he is kind of acting like he’s moving forward and excited about it… Feel left out… Feel like I may end up being abandoned again, but not sure when or how… Kind of feel like crying… It’s nice to know though that Daniel is here by my side. Lol makes life a lot less lonely :)
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