The Dangerous Kaos Experience: May 2013

Confused..

I want to apologize to Daniel, my boyfriend, now because what I might say below this may end up hurting him or at least making him think twice about me/us…

Yesterday, I began to become confused after responding to what seemed unfortunately like the last email rom Terrence in maybe a while.. And it became more confusing when I found out that Daniel told me that I could have told him no to being with him in a relationship, and how no one forced me to. I wanted to cry right then.. because originally he never asked me and that was because he said it felt natural to him I guess. But for me, I’m traditional which I told him he would’ve found out had he gotten to know me longer and known how I like things being done or whatever. Then I made it clear that I didn’t want to reject him, because I actually did want to try our relationship. Needless to say, I was kind of feeling even more depressed…

Then when we were going to his place to get his stuff, I find out that there are quite a few things that annoy him about me, but he wasn’t going to say it unless he knew concretely that it was the truth. In any case I ask and he concludes at that moment that my pessimistic ways annoy him along with my, as he calls it, my emo ways too. Basically things about my personality are annoying to him, and of course he won’t make me change; it’s something I would have to want to do on my own… Which concluded that he really REALLY doesn’t understand me at all… I mean apart from him always forgetting things about me to big extent, he fails to understand me, which is why I felt like something was missing from our relationship to begin with…

Needless to say, all of this was making me even more heartbroken and depressed, because I thought we had a connection that allowed me to be understandable to him… let alone be myself, and it makes me yearn for Terrence even more because of the fact that he accepted me for who I was and embraced it so naturally… whereas Daniel more than likely expects me to change at some point on my own… This is why I wanted us to take it slow, because he has no idea about me! He doesn’t know my bad sides or my asshole sides or anything that could make him rethink maybe being friends is better or rethink a possible relationship with me! This is why I asked him how does he KNOW he’s not infatuated with me instead of love?! This is why now after reading Terrence’s emails and finding out all of how Daniel REALLY feels, I started to feel discontent about my relationship with Daniel… primarily because I knew, even if Terrence never really said it, that he really does/did love me, not to mention how he put up with a lot of things with me that I did or do and still remained the guy that stuck in there with me… And at times I wish we could just quite this messy situation and just be together, but at the same time he’s not giving me reason to, in fact he is going BACK to his ex before me..

I’m not sure how to feel right now, and now that Terrence is giving us space to potentially move forward, I feel an even slightly lonely cloud hovering over me… because now, I feel like I have no one to be myself around… Now one to understand me… feel like I have to play a role or be in character in order to maintain the relationship I have now, not to mention sometimes play a role or character in society so I can be accepted sometimes… Just can’t stop crying…

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Just Need An Outlet…

Lol.. I know my boyfriend is tired of hearing me talk about my last two exes, especially the recent one, and it’s not on purpose.. it’s just they were the most impactful ones… But I need an outlet of some sort, and even though he will end up reading it xP I just need to speak…

To be honest, if Terrence had been more open and honest about why he was leaving me and in the way he was leaving me in March, then we might have had a chance of getting back together… But in retrospect I’m not even sure if we would have even went down that road again, not only because of the issues with his ex, but also because of a lot of other issues we had… He hardly ever told me he loved me, even though up until a certain point his actions spoke louder than the nonexistent phrase.

Terrence emailed again today. This time it was bittersweet.. It appears we came to the conclusion that right now we can’t be friends yet.. We would like for that to be a possibility one day, but at the moment things are still fresh and new as far as the break-up and my relationship I guess. And it feels so bad.. I started to cry when I was reading the email at some point. He says he’s going to get back with his ex, and I kind of figured that would happen. I think deep down we wish we could reconcile….

I miss him, I won’t lie. I miss the connection we had and all the memories we made.. I wish I had a new job to help make me feel better and complete the metamorphous of my new life… I miss his family… His little sister still asks about me, and I know for him it has to be rough.. I told him though that maybe he owes it to his ex to finally meet each other in person. I feel that he may finally get the idea and answers of “What If” out of his mind and into reality.. I don’t know how to feel about that though, but if it potentially helps for a future friendship then I guess why not.

Part of me feels sick.. not just because my period is coming, but also because of how much I’ve learned and feel sort of depressed about… I am happy with Daniel, at the same time though part of me was like see you should’ve waited… But at the same time of all of that, when I think back to Terrence and I’s relationship I can’t see what exactly I would want to go back to… besides being with him for reasons that Daniel fill or has in common… If Daniel was not Daniel, I would drop him like a bad habit and run to Terrence, but it’s hard to want to leave someone who makes it their duty to make your dreams come true, and not to mention cuddly and cute. Lol.. what a mess… I’m sitting here and I haven’t really been able to stop crying for few hours now… so heartbroken…

I sent him a response email to clarify things and let him know how I felt about things, and was leaving the door open to be friends if that ever does happen... or at least communication.

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Sooo, Terrence finally contacted me.. again. This time he emailed me what seemed like a plea. In retrospect we’ve been emailing for two days now between each other. On the other hand, I realized how Daniel would be affected by this sudden contact from him. We were both surprised, but he knew Terrence would contact me again. I didn’t of course xP.

Together, Daniel and I talked about the first email Terrence sent. It was midnight when I first saw it. He had to get up early at 5 A.M. for work, like usual, and instead of going to bed, he saw how I was taking the email and decided that we talk about it, especially since he was thinking that our relationship may be in jeopardy. It was good that we talked and got everything out on the table. We didn’t go to bed until maybe 3 something lol? He said that I come first and that solving and or talking about our problems or what’s bothering us is most important, and that it was worth losing sleep over ^.^

As for Terrence’s email, not only was I shocked, but I was also somehow relieved of finally getting closure. I was just accepting my losses and moving forward, but knowing this makes me feel better :) . He wants to be friends though with me and Daniel.. And I guess that would be okay.. I just don’t know how it would work considering how Terrence feels.. I can safely say I guess I still do care about him.. I feel that my relationship with Daniel may hurt or affect him though. He said he’s been on and off depressed, but then he’s talking back to his ex before me again. I couldn’t leave Daniel though, not after all we’ve gone through and been through so far, not to mention all the things he’s done for me. Our relationship reminds me of Aladdin xD or at least he does :P. It would be interesting if me and Terrence double dated one day O.o.

I invested so much into him and our relationship.. But after treating me a certain way for so long, it’s kind of hard for an abused and neglected dog to want to go back to it’s owner/friend even after being given delicious human food… I won’t lie and say I don’t miss him and things between us, but he hurt me DEEPLY. I told him though that Daniel and I would have to discuss things with him in person to make an accurate judgment. Not sure if Terrence would be able to handle my relationship with Daniel. He doesn’t want to cause harm or threat to my new relationship, which is interesting. The shoe is on the other foot now. Hmm. I guess since he doesn’t have anyone that he’s falling back on like his last ex, then I guess stealing me would be painful process anyway. In my opinion, it seems easier to steal someone away when you yourself has someone already. Then again, Terrence could be trying to rekindle things with his ex.. and I figure he would be naturally.. I mean she was always in the way of our relationship….

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It’s been a little minute since I posted on here. I’ve been thinking a lot lately because of my horoscope and events that have taken place as well. I don’t know if it’s bad to say this but ever since my mother has been gone in Jamaica it’s been really peaceful O.o lol. When she comes back, I know I’ll have to “adjust” to her being here again xP.

I’m still hunting for jobs.. and thankfully Daniel, my boyfriend, and my Dad are helping me constantly till I land something better. I had made a promise to myself and to them that I would keep my head up and keep trying to get out of here. A lot of companies are really anal about experience or even when it comes to interviews…. I’m so sick of this airport, and the job I currently have. No one has called me back yet, not even the recruiter that contacted me to get me signed on with Delta as their Communications Coordinator. Might as well call that quits xP lol.

In other news, my relationship with Daniel is having some interesting effects on me. I realize that the more time we spend together on a daily basis in person the more my emotions and feelings start to develop more and a lot more solid. We both agree that a gap is missing between our time together, in the sense that it still feels rushed sort of and even like something is missing. We didn’t really go on too many dates…, which I regret a lot lol. We’re missing the dates aspect of our relationship. We hardly go on any to begin with lol…, which I don’t want to compare, but it’s becoming a repeat of my relationships in the past where we hardly go anywhere to really strengthen the relationship, and get to know each other better. We have been to the mall twice, Applebees, and even the movies twice, but not like oh let me sweep you off your feet and make you fall in love with me and I impress you dates lol…. I was hoping for that from the beginning of us talking lol. Sometimes I feel unsure about myself in the relationship because we are missing a huge gap of getting to know each other on dates…. Like I kind of hate asking certain questions about certain things pertaining to our relationship. Questions like, “Who should pay, and at what point do I have to pay or put in half from your standpoint?” Questions like those should be already answered prior to getting together because the dates we go on would give me an idea of what to expect in our relationship. It’s a little awkward for me to ask questions like that lol.

On the other hand, I am happy that he swooped me up, and was eager to claim me as his own ^.^ I just want to be head over heels for him and over the moon for him instead of just I love you and everything about you lol. He didn’t really give me the opportunity to really fall for him. Which is why when we were talking at first, he was building up to it making me yearn for him and things like our first kiss :$. And I did want to be with him no doubt, it’s just… where’s the story? Where the we were on X amount of dates and he romantically asked me out under the stars or something lol xD. I mean it doesn’t have to be like that romantic or something, but I don’t know… I really feel like not only did I make things easy for him, but that I didn’t really get the opportunity to make him earn me…. And to be honest, I would feel cheap and easy if he wasn’t so sweet and loving to me lol. It shows me that he doesn’t take me for granted despite how quickly we got together. I really can say that I do love him :$.

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Happy Birthday Bro!

Good morning Blogger! Lol, probably wondering why I am so chipper this morning. To be honest I don’t know myself xD It might have something to do with how much of a success my brother’s 22^nd birthday party was yesterday.

Chris talking.

Haha.

Yesterday was very interesting apart from my brother’s birthday. Daniel came over for the weekend. Though he and I technically planned for this for a week, or at least glorified how that Friday was the day that life would feel awesome again because of hellish work week, he was on the reserve of staying over. I was confused because he literally packed for this. But before I get into all that I need to back up and rewind lol. We finally got back to the apartment after missing our exit when racing my cousin on the highway xD lol and I get a call from Camille, everyone’s buddy I guess now at this point, and she asks me to go to gas station to get a can for the drinking game “circle of death”, and Daniel and I are still in the car when this happens. Mind you, we finally got into my apartment after trying like 4 times to enter in the number to get into my apartment through my phone because I forgot my swipe pass. Anyway, I ask Daniel if it’s okay if we go run this tiny yet inconvenient errand, and he said okay. But I asked and took it as if he was going to drive there without me asking further since I asked him if we could go and we were already in his car. Instead he asked who should drive, and at this point I was asking myself “Really?”, primarily because I’m already dead tired and passing out on the passenger side since we left Ru Sans. I volunteer to drive and I was going to will myself to do it since it was my brother’s birthday party and all, but somehow I guess Daniel figures I’m too tired and we had quite a small and heated make out session in his car. He drives unwillingly to the nearest gas station up the street, and all the while I’m in the car I feel kind of bad.. but what makes it worse is when we get there and he asks me if he should come with me. I look at him and then look outside thinking to myself, “well this place doesn’t look very safe or at least not at this time of night.” But maybe he asked because he thought I would be okay due to the police car being right outside. Either way, I was thinking to myself, “you’re my boyfriend, figure you would go with me anyways unless I say, “I’ll be right back.” Anyway, he decides on his own to come with me because I just keep saying it’s up to you. He kind of looks at me I guess puzzled on what to do, but I was just tired and kind of surprised that it didn’t seem to be obvious that he should just come in with me. At this point, I start to question how deep his feelings really run for me, granted that we’ve almost been together for a month and almost known each other for 2. I get the drink, go back to apartment, play drinking game with a bottle of water instead, Daniel learns [CLASSIFIED] information about me and others, then I attempt to hit the bed when he asks as I started to mention at the beginning of this paragraph.

To me, I guess I thought the answer was obvious once he asked me if he should stay. I mean, yeah why wouldn’t you stay ( - .-). Anyway, at some point he does this sexy aggressive move where he picks me up and holds me in his arms facing him and never letting me go *heart beats fast* :$ Eventually, he says he needs to get things out of the car for the weekend of or that night or whatever, and he asks if I want to come with him. I give him grief about it saying, “if you want me to.” He eventually says he does. He finally gets that I’m mimicking him from earlier when we were at the gas station. Clever. And then I learn later on that he can pick up on things about me, but just responds or acts in unconventional ways or ways that may not typically be the way that he should go about responding or reacting. And to be honest for the most part at times I feel like I’m misunderstood by him like when I’m joking I’m not sure when he can tell half the time if I’m joking or not. Though it’s awesome he finds me funny and is as random and funny as me xD. He feels like I don’t fully understand him, and I think it’s primarily because of one thing he hasn’t told me yet.

In any case, we are getting a lot closer, and the more we do spend time together in person, whoever long we have, our bond strengthens. Sometimes though when we are away and I can’t readily text him back on my job, I end up missing him a lot. But then there are times when we are apart that I yearn for something a little extra I guess once in a while maybe? Like I don’t know, maybe something like when I wanted to play the random picture game with him yesterday (game where you send each other random pictures in your phone and describe what they are or what made you take it or whatever), or when he sent me jobs posts from indeed. I don’t know, maybe something a little more than texting or calling maybe? Only because I don’t really get him to myself but for maybe one and a half days.. and I didn’t realize how short a time span I just made it seem like considering that it seems longer, which I guess it would be almost two days in total. His schedule kind of hinders us during the week, and I know he’s tired most of the time he gets home. If he’s not, sometimes he wouldn’t be able to fool me lol. Soon he’s moving closer to his job where he can save money on gas, and also be closer to his job after work. I’m happy for him. It’s just he won’t be close to me anymore, and for whatever reason it might feel lonely… I mean we’d still be together, but it’ll just feel like I can’t really just pop over there or him over to my place at last minute during week and expect to be a functioning human being in the morning lol. I don’t know maybe we would have gotten a better hang on our relationship by then, where distance is more of a physical thing than a mental one. My feelings and emotions for him always end up coming close to “climaxing” into a full blown oh my God I am so deeply and desperately in love with you when he comes over for the weekends. But then when he’s gone during the week it’s hard for us to see each other and really spend time together regardless if we plan it out or not lol… I hope that by then we would’ve come up with an.. alternative to keeping things every now and then interesting while we are away from each other all week. It would prove to be helpful if forbid one of us ever had to do a lot of traveling for a job in the future, or just traveling in period. I’m willing to put in the work for this relationship, and he is pretty handsome lol :$ There is a lot of potential for this relationship, and I feel it; we just have a lot of work to do lol..

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Daniel and I are quite the team. I can safely say that I am in love with him :$. I didn’t know what to think when we first got together. I was afraid he was going to become the rebound guy by how things were moving so fast.. but for whatever reason things just seemed to work to its advantage.

Daniel and I went shopping and to the movies at the Mall of Georgia this weekend! And it was too awesome @.@ We also got lucky and found an anime store that newly opened up that week! That mall has everything! Except his tribal like store T.T He bought me quite a lot of stuff, which I appreciated :$. I’ve never had anyone soak up my time like he has, and be so involved with me and my life before. He is really a dream come true, and I hope I never wake from this dream. I used to think that I would be devastated if one of my exes died unexpectedly if I was with one of them. That’s primarily because I was borderline obsessive to make it work and succeed. But I know that I may go forward without them after really thinking about how toxic the relationships were. With Daniel, perhaps it’s too soon to say this, but I don’t think I could ever go on without him if he died…. I know he said he wouldn’t want us to be lonely and stuff, but honestly, if (and only if) someone could out match Daniel then maybe I would try with them if Daniel had died. I’m on the fence about it now because we are just starting out, but right now I think it would be hard for me to re-invest in someone especially after a loss like that. He’s really special to me.

Sunday we had a lax day. We tried out this Thai restaurant, but it did not meet up to our expectations… However, we only did that so we could go to our new spot called “yo tops yogurt” ^.^. It was like we were having our first date all over again :$. Later on I tested out my new controller that he had his company make for me ^.^ very prettyful xD

While typing pre-typing this on my job (so I can post with pictures later lol :P), I just recently found out that anyone caught on their cell phone now is going to be TERMINATED. What kind of bullshit is this..? Yeah, so I can understand that there are standards and expectations that comes with this type of job, but from what I understand people are bringing and using their tablet and stuff to work and that it’s getting out of hand… great. When I get off and do my errands, I am going to hunt for a new job like my life depends on it!!! I had considered taking on a second job so I can get my loans paid down and credit card paid off quicker. To be honest, I think I need a back-up plan just in case. I still have not heard back about the job with GRTA and the recruiter getting me on with Delta yet. I’m hoping my clout at this job and even my inability to do anything wrong or whatever, can be part of their decision factor if I end up being fired for something simple as my phone.

I miss Daniel… A LOT :$

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Lol, I haven’t updated this page in a minute or something like that? xP A lot of stuff has happened that I hope I can remember to jot in this post.

For starters, Daniel and I are growing closer over the time that we do and don’t spend time together. While I’m at work, I on occasion look at pictures of him and the pictures so far of us. Even as I type this I think I smell a hint of his natural scent on me @.@ We were missing each other up until yesterday, where he came over last minute. It was interesting to say the least xD. Had he came over earlier that night I probably would’ve jumped him in a different way xD. Primarily because I missed him all week, but also because my bro got an incense and it did some mind blowing things to me @.@ That night we wrestled and [censored] :$ Unfortunetly, my period started yesterday .-. so not sure how much fun we can have before it ruins things.. T.T like my comforter x.x

Earlier this week, or should I just say two days ago xD, Daniel and I had messed around with this new app, which isn’t new just new to us, called Tango. And it was unique lol, we were able to look at each other from our phones like a video Skype call. Naturally, he did some research prior to downloading it :P I wonder what would happen if I radioed him on TKL touch walkie talkie app ( ‘ .’)**(curious).

The same day, I got a call from a recruiter from VACO trying to help me get on with Delta as their Communications Coordinator ( O –O)! I thought maybe it was a scam but after consulting with Daniel and my parents I decided to go ahead and sign the email allowing her to represent me. I’m a little nerved about it because of how it happened and also the job is contract for a year, but they are looking to make it permanent. O.o the pay is nice too. I’m not even sure if I will really get it, but I keep hearing it would be a great opportunity for me so.. lol.

This weekend Daniel and I are going to be going quite a lot! ^.^ I miss him now.. I got caught texting on my cell phone at work so I have to find unique ways to respond or even start the text message tag game we play throughout the day xD. Either way I love the time we spend together and the things I get to learn and experience with him. What I love even more is finding out our firsts together ^.^ makes me feel special :$

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